A note to the inquiring

Hello dear readers. If you, by chance, are one of the few who graces Ask Ninny with your visual orbs on a semi-regular basis, you have, no doubt, noticed a certain lack of material lately. Yes, Mr. Ninny has been on sebatical. Deep in the bowls of a hellish journey that will be recounted on Ninny's counter-blog, Ninny Spot. Now he is, however, back. His return from this perilous journey has left Ninny a bit discombobulated and his usually glorious mental faculties are a bit unseemly. As a result there will be a (hopefully short) period where the ramblings and answerings of said Ninny will seem, for lack of a better term, rusty. Not to fret my friends, Ninny will, in time, return to his clearer self with a new wealth of knowledge and experience to impart to you. The most recent response here on Ask Ninny was a question raised by Ninny's alter ego's brother's alter ego, The Dude, in December of 2006. Half of the response was composed in December, however, the sebatical (which shall henceforth be known as "The Wombat Incident," or TWI for short, happened upon our hero rather quickly and unexpectedly, leaving the finishing of this response to sit idle for the six months, twiddling its proverbial conceptual thumbs and wondering when it will ever come to fruition, while Ninny helped the Wombats in their struggle.
It is with the utmost thanks to the Dude and other Ninny readers for their patience that he bids you a fond hello, and wishes to share his happiness at being home now in a new (dry) apartment with his dear friend's Charley and Frankus (and the beautiful-pussy-loving-Beta, Giuseppi).

Killing of an ungulate

My dear friend Dude of "Clean like the Dude" fame has asked:

"Dear Ninny,

Lately I have been spending a lot of time hunting pigs with my friends out in the countryside. Recently on a trip in the hills outside Modesto, we actually caught a pig. A big pig. A live pig. I would have to put her in around 800 pounds and actually pretty sweet. Right now she is rooting around in my neighbors yard fattening up on whole grain corn and sugar cane. We have taken to calling her Pigcess Lea. The thing is, I want to kill, gut, and roast her whole, but I do not know how. Do you have any ideas as to how one goes about killing, gutting, and roasting a pig whole?"

My such a violent story for a vegetarian, but to coin a phrase made famous by none other than the Dude himself, Ninny abides.

The first thing to take into consideration when killing, gutting, and roasting a whole pig is remember that your first attempt could be a complete and total disaster resulting in entrails spread hither and fro. if this happens, fret not my dear Dude, as you see, though I'm sure that Pigcess Lea is a glorious sow indeed, should she and her 800 pound carcass turn out less than desirable there are plenty other ungulates out there. In fact just recently a good spider friend of mine named Charlotte told me of a lovely young boar that should be ripe for the eating quite soon.

Your first step towards roasting a whole pig in your yard is to be certain the pig, in this case Pigcess Lea is quite dead. I prefer to use a swarm of angry hornets for the slaughter, or perhaps a mace. I would advise against using a flaming club as this will cause pre-cooking of the carcass and will drastically effect the end product. Once you have finished killing the beast, check to be sure it's actually dead. Walk up to the body of the sow and say loudly "Hey pig! Are you dead?" If Pigcess Lea does not respond then you know she is dead. If she does respond say with a phrase something along the lines of "Why no, I don't believe I am Mr. Dude. Why do you ask?" have a brick ready and pummel the sow with it until she no longer responds.

Once the ungulate is dead you can begin the gutting process. This requires a few simple tools. A sharp knife (if you don't have one, a blunt axe, pinking shearers, or Gillette Mach 3 Razor will do). Rubber gloves (or 10 condoms and some duct-tape). A large clothes pin or mask to hide the smell. A small trowel (a large spoon or ladel will also work). One bucket (you can also use your sister's salad bowl, or your mothers Waterford Crystal punch bowl).
Once you have gathered your tools use your knife to slit the sow carcass from just below the neck to the anus. It is important to be sure that you have your gloves and mask on as this is when the process gets a little glisteny.
Empty the contents of the swine into the bucket. All internal organs must go, leave no kidney unturned, no intestine uncoiled. Set the bucket of goop aside for other projects (perhaps ungulate-intestine-garland or pig-poutporri, seeing as you are the genius Dude, I'll leave the side projects and decorum to you).

Having emptied the carcass of all important bits and vittles, drive down to your local Michael's or other craft emporium and pick up some crocheting needles and yarn of your color choice. Choose something bright and cheery to complement Pigcess Lea's natural coloring. Return to the carcass. Here is where you begin to crochet. You need to make a mask that is of appropriate size for your swine. Once you have completed the mask using your crocheting needles, poke out the pigs eyes and drain the aqueous humor. There is no need to save this fluid as your recently slaughtered pig should still be moist enough for you. Place the mask over your pig to cover the ungainly site of an eyeless pig carcass. If you are unclear on how to crochet, this website could help you out.
Once the mask is in place, use your needles and yarn to sew up your sow. I recommend a nice cross stitch.

Now you are ready to begin the roasting process. Using a shovel dig a pit at least twice the size of your sow in the yard. Be careful not to uproot any hydrangeas as they are truly lovely this time of year. It might also be advisable to consult your electrical and plumbing schematics so as not to accidentally blow up your yard. Throw several dry wooden objects into your freshly dug pit, in my experience ancient religious relics, antique grand pianos, and mint condition debut issues of comic books work the best. Coat these objects with with acetone and gasoline (if you're low on these items a gallon of wild Turkey or a siphon hose and your neighbors gas tank will work just fine), and set the pile ablaze. Allow the conflagration to burn untended for a few hours. Pop out to your local It's A Grind and have a cup of the finest chain store coffee in Southern California. Come back to your yard and check the fire. If the house and yard are still there, you're in good shape. carefully pick up your 800 pound pig and chuck it into the flames. Allow the pig to sit in the flames for an hour or so while you slip down to the local hardware and metalwork emporium to pick up a pair of fire retardant gloves. After the bottom side of your sow is a deep charcoal black, climb into the fire and flip the ungulate over. Allow the pig to poach for another hour or so then pull it out of the fire.
You can also construct an elaborate spit to rotiserate your pig. This allows for even cooking on all sides and the pig is more tender having marinated in its own juices. If you choose to follow this path, do not light the fire right away, instead, construct your spit first. To construct the spit you'll need some bailing wire, a couple of galvanized steel poles, one eight foot 2X4, a rough grit metal file, a large bottle of lube, a large healthy hamster and hamster ball, and a friend with a camera. Drive the steel poles into the ground on either side of your hole. Using your metal file, grind out two semi-circular gouges on the tops of your poles. Using your file again, attack the hard edges of the 2X4 so that it's nearly round insert one end of the wood into your mouth and begin chewing.Gnaw the pole down to a fine point. Have your friend photograph you doing this for nostalgic moments int he future. Do the same to the other end of the 2x4 then coat the entire thing in lubricant. Be sure to have your friend capture this for future reference. Carefully yet firmly drive the 2x4 up the rear end of the pig until it comes out the other side (hopefully the mouth). Heave the skewered sow up onto the metal poles so that the ends rest in the gouges you filed out. Now comes the tricky part. Gently tie the hamster ball to one end of the pig-kabob. Place the hamster in the ball and begin cheering it on. Hamsters are highly motivated creatures in their own right, but it never hurts to hear some words of encouragement. This is another excellent moment to have your friend take pictures. Once the hamster is running light your fire, the pig will slowly turn as the fire blazes. If you choose to go the spit method you are a more pretentious and work driven person than Mr. Ninny, who, in fact, enjoys a little charcoal with his backyard sow.

Garnish your pig with apples, rutabaga, and palm fronds. Invite several of your friends to come over and pass around the plastic forks. Enjoy!

Get over it

Poor Mr/Ms Anonymous from unknown origins asks:

"Top five ways to get over a guy?"

Well Madame/Misseur Anonymous you're in luck. This is an arena that Ninny has plenty of experience. In fact, I'd say when it comes to dealing with loss of love, I am nearing masters level, even at my young age. The unrequited love one experiences can, indeed, be exceedingly painful. As a result I've found a few ways to, as you put it, "get over it."

For your convenience I have broken this into two categories. The first is the figurative category, the second the exceptionally more practical literal category.

Figurative
In order to get over a guy emotionally, one need follow a few simple steps.

Step 1:Get the hell out. Though noble the idea may be, I've learned from painful experience, that attempting to maintain a close friendship with your ex, without allowing time to grieve the demise of the relationship, can be emotionally disasterous and unnecessarily stressful. Once the relationship is over, allow it time to go through it's virtual death throws. Minimize contact with the recently lost love. Children, pets, joint-bank accounts, and technological knowlegebases may cause difficulty in this step. However, the sooner you break these ties and assert your independence, the sooner you will feel less emotionally bound to the ex. If you so happen to have been living with this person, it can also be fun to play "belonging vaulting" in which you find the highest point in the place that you live, and throw the exes belongings off of it. This game is even more fun if there is a busy street you can try to throw passed, and if you have a close friend to join in the launching.

Step 2:Distract.Take up or renew and interest in a hobby, such as poching, drug running, or knitting. Delve into an author your fond of or interested in such as Dr. Seuss, Ayn Rand, or The Better Homes and Gardens Cook Book. Watch lots of movies (Netfilx is an excellent source for this distraction) though I would avoid cheesey romantic comedies where love triumphs in the end. This could trick you into thinking that everything will be okay. It won't. Best to just ignore the world, not gain a skewed vision of it.

Step Three:Drink. This is the final and crucial step to emotionally moving past a recent relationship. The miracle tonic known as Alcohol not only allows you to temporarily forget things, it also makes people you would never have interest in seem extremely attractive. This can lead you to thinking that there are, as the cliché addage goes, "plenty of fish in the sea," even if the reality of it is that the world is a barren waste land of rotting fish corpses and three eyed freaks.

The above steps are useful in getting over the emotional chaos that follows the loss of love or the realization that one's feelings are being sucked into a heartless vaccum never to return. The following tips will deal with the practicl and literal side of your question dear Anonymous.

Literal
In getting over a guy there are a variety of vehicles and tools you can use. The top two (in order to comply with the request for a top five ways, number one is actually number four)

Number One (4):(My personal favorite) Pneumatic Roller. Seen here: This not only allows a smooth ride, it also easily rolls over any guy leaving little left to get over should you come across him again.

Number Two (5): Grappling Hook & Climbing Harness. This is especially useful if the person you are trying to get over is very tall. Conveniently the human body comes will all sorts of easy handholds and ledges to place your feet. I would recommend wearing climbing shoes or golf cleats when choosing this option as they get a firmer grip on the flesh than standard sneakers or dress shoes, and don't get stuck as easily as stiletto heels.

So, Anonymous, there are your top five ways. I might also add that ladders, stair-cars, pogo balls, pole-vaulting, and spring boards are also effective means to getting over a guy. Best of luck to you Anonymous and I'll see your drunk ass at the bar (I'll be looking quite fetching I might add through your new boozed up eyes).

Age and memory

Mr. Danger(space)Kitty, from Los Angeles asks:

"Why are they always so young?" & "How have I forgotten all my login names and passwords?"

Wow! Two questions! Well, Mr. (Space)Kitty, in regards to your inquery regarding youth and it's ubiquitous nature, the answer simply put is: they're not. The problem you're having is with perspective. According to the US Census Bureau's Estimates, in 2005 the population over the age of 45 was roughly 37% of the overall population, that leaves 63% under the age of 45. Now, that is a great number of people. So the vast majority of the population is young. But not everyone. Perhaps one should consider their place in this . Are you under the age of 45? WELL ARE YOU?!? If the answer is yes, then you qualify as being one of those whom you refer to as "always so young." I digress, I suspect your true concern is that most people you come into contact with seem to be younger than you? If that's the true concern, I would think that you should be flattered that they seem so. Youth, though so often referenced by appearance in our society, is really something one deciphers based on the behavior of the person in question, specifically their maturity. Because you have been reading this blog you exhibit superior intellect, which leads me to surmise that you are of the class that judges a person not solely on his or her appearance but on the manner in which they communicate with you. If this is, in fact, the case, then you must also realize that the reason these "they" always seem so young, is because you're mental faculties are vasty superior to theirs. It is a heavy burden to bear, that of genius, but take heart in the fact that you can realize you bear it. If one can understand a thing, one can take action against it. I suggest, in order to deal with this ubiquitous youth problem, drinking more. You see, the more alcohol one consumes the dumber one gets. In your case, I think four cases of beer, or three large bottles of Vodka should do the trick. I would stay away from Gin though, I know from personal experience it only makes you smarter and more pretentious.

In regards to your second question, you are forgetting your logins and passwords because you are not drinking enough Gin. Should you need assistance in rectifying this problem, please contact me personally and I will guide you in the methods to consuming more of this magic elixer.

For certain, about anything.

The Divine Diana from San Diego asked (months ago I'm afraid):

"Why will we never know for certain? About anything?"

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for my extreme sloth in responding to this querrie. I've been lost in an astrological haze that aflicts me around this time of year annually. I think, though I could be mistaken, that this haze is starting to lift. Perhaps you will see more questions and answers from Ninny in the days and weeks to come, or perhaps I'll fall under the mists again and leave the screens wanting. We can only wait and see.

But in response to Miss Diana's questions: We can never know for certain of anything, because nothing is certain. The vast number of variables in our various realities can lead to incomprehensible or simple outcomes. Yes, there are times where one could make a valiant and fair estimate of how something could turn out, but it is nothing but an estimate. An educated guess. The fact is, at any moment a radioactive Peacock could charge through the room leaving nothing but intergalactic ooze and vibrantly colored feathers in its wake. Or, maybe you'll simply finish your glass of water, shut down your computer, and go for a nice stroll. The trick of living in any world is to embrace the uncertainty and revel in the surprise. Perhaps that Peacock will happen to leave the winning lottery ticket, or a divine inspiration for solving world hunger, cancer, or last week's Sudoku. You won't know until it happens. It's the anticipation of what's next that makes it interesting.

Bedtime for Ninny

Mr. Mike from Venice, CA asks:

"What are Ninny's like in bed? Are they beyond sex due to their over developed intellect? Or is it quite the opposite?"

Such a personal question Mr Mike! But Ninny promises answers, and answers you shall have. There are advantages and faults to having come into existence fully formed. The advantage in this case being that certain skills were built into my consciousness. Conversely, the draw back is I never had the joy of learning these skills.

However, to answer your question more directly, Mr. Mike, the bed life of Ninny isn't an either/or scenario. For better or worse, the carnal cravings of humaniy are inherrent to any human existence, and though my creation may be a bit unusual, I'm still human, and thusly subject to said desires. Yes many things can be said of Ninny, but purile is not one of them. That is, unless lawn ornaments, black sheets, and obscene amounts of Silly Putty make for purity, in which case, the driven snow am I.

In regards to overly developed intellect leading to an existence void of sexual desire, I have found the opposite to be the case. Not that a humble Ninny such as myself can claim such intellect, but for those that I know who do have these mental abilities(and there are quite a few people I know with vast, awe-inspiring, intellect) sex is still a fundamental, indeed crucial, part of their existence. Those with mental capacities beyond recognition still have the same basic carnal needs as you and I. In fact their mental agility often leads to phenomenal sexually creative endeavors I dare not speak of (but will think of at great length later).

In terms of how I am in bed (I mention this specifically, as sexual encounters do not happen exclusively within the confines of a sheeted sleeping platform) this Ninny has been known to: snore some, talk (or rather mumble), scream, kick, hit, cry, masturbate, and cross stitch (the latter being the most impressive as I, when conscious, have never performed the act). I also have watched movies, read books, written papers, drawn pictures, and performed death-defying feats involving bicycles, warthogs, and vats of hydrosulfuric acid, all in my lovely, currently black sheeted, bed. None of these things necessarily predict how I will behave in my bed tonight, or any other night. Nor does it predict how I will behave in any one else's bed. This simply is what Ninny has been "like in bed" heretofore. if anything ground breaking should occur while I'm in a bed in the future I'll be sure to share it with you once it has happened.

crazy is as crazy does

Ninny has been on a bit of a hiatus as of late, and for this I'm sorry. However, there have been two (count them two!) new questions recently, and Ninny, as always, has answers. The first question I will respond to now, the second I will post a response to tomorrow (or rather today, only when the sun is up and I have rested).

R from L.B. asks:
"Dear Ninny -

Why are some people crazy?"

My my R, what a question. There are a variety of causes for what one might consider "crazy" behavior. Chemical imbalances in the brain are often blamed. Apparently the sloshing vat of juices that dwells within the human skull should contain a delicate balance of various fluids that lead to what is considered sanity. However, just what this balance is exactly no one can say (this is largely due to the nasty habit of test subjects dieing when their skull is hacked open and the various ingredients found there gutted and toyed with). I fall into the camp that believes a healthy mind requires a significant amount of alcohol and coffee to properly function, yet, there is ample evidence that THC and Valium are also excellent stabilizers when it comes to human sanity. Some might also argue in favor of a strong Xanax presence being a requisite for a stable mind. However, for these people I have two words "Paris Hilton." Watch her for five minutes and it becomes obvious what large amounts of Xanax will do to this fragile mental balance.

Another possible cause for a person seeming crazy could be an issue with perspective. Perhaps the person in question is completely sane and you have the reality comprehension issue. Remember, just because you don't hear voices telling you to remove your clothing and carve chicken skeletons into your bare chest while playing the Battle Hymn Of The Republic on a Nose Flute doesn't mean those voices aren't there, it just means that you can't hear them. What seems completely ludicrous to one person may seem completely rational to another.
So the real question here isn't "Why are some people crazy?" it's "How do I know that I'm sane?"

The answer to this question, R, is simple: You don't.
There's nothing wrong with this though. No one else knows for certain either.