God gets the goods

Lovely Dare from Los Angeles, CA writes: "If God and Heaven exists, what would you think God would say when you arrive at the pearly gate?"

That's an excellent question Mr Dare, I see we're starting off Ninny Knows with an existential trot. Well, rest assured Ninny does in fact Know an answer. In this case, the conversation would be as follows:

Ninny: Knock-knock!
God: Who's there?
Ninny: It's J-J-Jimbo. Who's that?
God: God.
Ninny: Shut up!
God: No really, I'm God.
Ninny: SHUT UP!
God: Listen, if this is one of those trick-God-into-proving-he's-God things, I'm not falling for it.
Ninny: Okay then, so you're God. How come I can't see you?
God: I'm invisible.
Ninny: Right. Right. Sure you are.
God: Well, if you can't see me, and I'm talking to you, wouldn't it follow that I'm invisible?
Ninny: Aw jeez, you're one of those logic types is that it?
God: Sure.
Ninny: Well, I suppose that would explain the Platapus and Two-Drink-Tuesdays.
God: Two-Drink-Tuesdays?
Ninny: Never mind. So, God, I have two quick questions for you.
God: Shoot.
Ninny: Okay first question: Why is there a giant pearl gate here but no pearl fence? Or an opal fence, or saphire wall or something?
God: Budget Cuts.
Ninny: Budget cuts?
God: Yeah. I had these fantastic austentatious plans for a mixed-use development here in Heaven. There was going to be a bowling alley, roller rink, boutiques, restaraunts, I even had a Gelatto place lined up. The upper levels would have been apartments and lofts for the good souls who ended up here. But this was all during the eighties. I built the gate out of pearl for tradition, the Development itself would have been largely made of travertine and glass, something real nice you know? But I took Peter's advice on my investments and sunk my capital in Beta Cassettes. Lost my proverbial ass on that one, not that I have an ass, being God and all.
Ninny: um.....okay. Hey, where is Peter anyway?
God: Is that your second question?
Ninny: Oh, no, just tangential wondering.
God: Fair enough. Peter's gone down to Spain to have Tapas with this couple he's friends with Jorge and Vincente. They just got married and he wanted to pay his respects.
Ninny: Cool. Hey how do you feel about that whole Gay Marriage thing anyway?
God: Is that your second question?
Ninny: No.
God: Then Shut Up!
Ninny: Jeez, a certain deity whom shall remain nameless woke up on the wrong side of the universe today. Okay second question: How come you're sitting up here talking to me when you could be creating peace on the Earth, or providing a cure for Cancer, or AIDS or something?
God: Well, how come you're not down there doing those things?
Ninny: Um, well, for one thing, I'm not GOD.
God: So?
Ninny: And for another thing, you left us to deal with that Bush guy. I mean come on! We spend so much time making excuses and dodging bullets for that lame-ass' fuck-ups we haven't had time to do much else, plus, a lot of that warring is his doing. Couldn't you just take him out of the equation and his fat puppet-master Cheney too?
God: Oh JESUS!
Jesus: *POP*Yeah Dad?
God: Oh, sorry, not you son, just an expression.
Jesus: It's cool. *POP*
God: Listen, if I have to apologize one more time for that guy.... No, I can't just take him out of the equation, it's beyond my control.
Ninny: But you're God.
God: Yeah, but it's not like I can just add and subtract variables from that mess down there. It's a really complicted equation. As it is there's a number of free radicals spoiling the proof. If I start pulling coefficients and variables the whole thing could collapse and I'd be back at square one.
Ninny: Huh?
God: Never mind. Anything else?
Ninny: Well, now that you mention it...
God: What now?
Ninny: How about a hot stud for me to play with? I'm feeling kind of randy and old "Hairy Palmer" isn't always enough, if you know what I mean.
God: Don't I know it, try being an all-mighty being living alone in the vast expanse of eternity. Yeah, I'll see if I can't find you someone.
Ninny: Really?
God: No.
Ninny: AW! You suck God!
God: Only if you ask nicely.*WINK*
Ninny: Wow...So, you really are a kind and benevolent God. Um...when can I come up and chat again Mr All-Mighty?
God: We'll see.

So there you are Mr Dare. The first answer to the first question on Ninny Knows. In case you're wondering if I ever went back to talk to God, well, that's between me and God....and a few others who may have made an appearance at the org....gate.
If you have a question for Ninny, don't be shy! Click the "Comments" link and ask away, who knows, you may get a titillating answer like Mr Dare did.