Jacket au jous

The divine Divina from San Diego writes:

"Ninny, i wanna know:

is leather edible?
say... if i was stranded somewhere for weeks, with no food around... could i possibly eat my jacket?
and not die?
i've heard of people eating bicycles..."

Funny you should as Ms. Divina. I just had a bit of my jacket sleeve for lunch three days ago. It was a bit chewy, but went well with a side of Ranch.
Yes, you can infact eat your leather jacket, though it will take quite a bit of chewing and my guess is that the leather dyes are less than benecifical for one's digestive system (at least I think that's what my problem was, or maybe it was the castor oil chaser?). If your coat was deep fried rather than dried and dyed, it would essentially be beef rind, not entirely unlike that wonderous pork rind delicacy we all know and love.

Given the choice I would highly recommend chosing to gnaw on the jacket over a bicycle unless you have an iron deficiency or are vegetarian for moral reasons (in which case shame on you for owning a leater jacket in the firts place missy).

The real question you should ask yourself here Ms. Divina, is how you managed to get stranded in a place completely void of all other living things. I mean, come on, you can always eat cockroach crispies for breakfast and still be stylish in your jacket while you eat.

If you should happen to find yourself caught in a situation where your jacket is not an option and your bicycle is looking mighty appetizing, ask yourself this question: "How much do I love these shoes? I mean, sure, they were a great deal and match my belt, but couldn't I pull off the au naturel thing too?"
Yes, the pedals on your bike may feel a bit unfomfortable under your exposed toes, but when you arrive at that Mc Donalds you can always scrap the tires and fashion them into sandals. I guarantee that the Big Mac will taste better than tenth gear. Ok, maybe not better, but definitely easier to chew.

Meaning oh my

Carrying on with a theme of sorts here is a question from Mr. J:

"Ninny, I need to know what to do with my life. I've managed to corner myself into a routine that makes me enough money to be satisfied, but I'm not happy. I've tried many other methods of discovering myself, what do you suggest for me?
Signed,

J. Bradford, Vista St."

Well Mr. J, finding meaning in this existence is a bear of a task. Each person goes about it in their own way. Many people choose religion, money, or beanie-babies. Filling the void with whatever one can find is humanity's way. The trick is to find the thing that fits for you. The old square peg in a round hole is an apt analogy in this instance. What works for one may not work for you (much like dog biscuits make a great treat for Fido, but serve them with gravy for breakfast and you may be a bit dissapointed, or thrilled, depending).

I would love to tell you that perhaps a change in occupation is what's needed. However, we are not, ar at least shouldn't be, defined by our proffessions. Meaning in existence must be something independednt of external requirements.

All I can tell you Mr. J, is what works for me. I find meaing for my life in life itself. Simply being in a world so complex and convoluted is an amazing experience in its own right.

My suggestion to you is to go out and ride the bus, train, tram, or ferry. Go out and see life happening while it's happening. So often we get locked up in our little motorized boxes going from point A to point B we forget all the reality, other realities, going on around us. Go to a park and sit for a bit. Watch the people come and go. People exercising, barbequing, swinging on the playground. Sometimes all it takes to appreciate life is to stop and see someone else living it.

Or perhaps you could collect reject sporks. You know, the ones where one of the prongs is shorter than the rest so it doesn't quite grasp the salad right. Or the one with an extra prong jutting out at an odd angle as though begging to be used as a back-scratcher. That could be totally cool and fulfilling as well. You never know.

Bread winning

A reader who wishes to remain anonymous, and thusly did not reveal there location, asks: "What should I do to earn a living?"

Ah, the age old question. Well there are several options for a person in today's modern society. There's always the oldest profession in the world (that would be politician), or the good 'ol standard garbage collector. Or perhaps, Anonymous, you wish to expand your horizons? You could consider a career as a lawn ornament, or, if you're feeling really adventurous, a book shelf.
However, as I re-read your question, I get the feeling you are a man/woman of unique talents, and have asked me this question as it is not one solved in a simple career choice of lawn jockey or flat-object-that-holds-things-up. No, Anonymous, I believe you need to consider a position that will not only provide you peace of mind, but will also provide food, shelter, and a roof over your head (or heads if you happen to be some kind of circus freak, in which case might I recommend applying for a position with Ringling Bros?).

Now, to earn a living there are a number of options you could consider. The first and most obvious is prostitute. No job is bound to get a little living going on inside you faster than the age old sex salesman/woman. If for some sick reason this idea doesn't hurtle your girdle, perhaps a career as a medical transcriptionist. The nice woman on daytime and late night television says it's quite a rewarding career, and apparently you develop a glisteningly white smile and live in a cubicle with a fake plant.

For other manners of earning a living, I might try charity work. I think Mother Teresa definitely earned her right to live, even if she is dead, and I hate the wealthy a little less each day that I hear about the Gates foundation and other groups that give back some of what they've taken.

Speaking of taking, perhaps you would enjoy a life of crime. I don't know where you live Anonymous, but there are millions upon millions of people living here in Southern California. Many of which drive very expensive cars and pretend to be able to afford to own property. My suspicion is that most of these people are in drug rackateering and human trafficking, each can be very lucrative career choices. There's also the friendly crack dealer and half naked masturbator asking for change. Each of these options have proven to provide one with living, that is according to the vast amount of evidence on the streets in this lovely region.

If none of these options seem to your liking, I have one last suggestion. Fart on tape and sell the sound to sound effects dealers. There is always a high demand for authentic fart noises, and everyone has the necessary biology to produce the sought after audio. Perhaps you could record an entire album, cut and master farts into classical favorites and oldies doo wop. You could even jar the scents produced in the process and peddle them to middle school kids who can't live up to their reputation.

You see anonymous. Only you can decide how you should earn your living. There are a plethora of options out there for you, you just need to try a few and see which fits you best. Good luck to you, I hope to hear your next flatulent album on the radio soon.

Trashed and eating it

Kind Mr. Frankus Spiziri of Long Beach, CA asks: "Ninny. How is it that a certain homo gets totally trashed at a bar, totally eats it, and never tells anyone?"

Well, Mr. Spiziri, that's a tough question to answer. You see, trashed, in the context you are using it, implies inebriation. The homo you refer to, was most certainly quite intoxicated. This ofcourse impairs motor skills leading to one toppling over like a top heavy crack whore dolly. Also, you mention that said homo was in a bar. Often times this sort of establishment is quite crowded. Navigating a drinking establishment can require a certain amount of finesse, if the homo in question was indeed inebriated, then it's possible that the requisite finesse to navigate said bar was not present for the poor fool. Finally, and here's the clincher, how did this homo neglect to inform others of their act of clumsy tom-foolery? Well, you see in certain areas of globe there is a rare and quite odd phenomena known as "STHUYFCR". This is a convoluted acronym that stands for "Shut The Hell Up You Fucking Cunt Rag." This phenomena most often occurs when a person or persons have made a mistake and wish others not to know of it. Though this may seem a plausible cause of your homos secrecy, I think it's much too simple a solution. No, in this case, I believe you have an instance of an even more rare and baffling phenomena. Experts refer to this phenomena as "UMEAD," or "Unidentified Memory Extraction And Disposal." This is when the party in question has actually had a memory removed from their conscience, doused in acetone, and ignited by a flaming Boll Weevil. The consequence of this act is that the homo in question does not actually remember that the accident occurred and thusly, cannot relate the story to others. An odd side effect of this phenomena is that when questioned by a witness of said lost memory, the victim often can retrieve the ashes of the burnt recolection and then share it with other persons.

It is my suspicion Mr. Frankus that the Homo to which you refer is an actual case of UMEAD and perhaps you should check your chonies for a flaming Boll Weevil.

Symmetry

Mr. Tyler from Los Angeles, CA writes:
" dear ninny,

i understand that human beings (and most other earth animals?) are not perfectly split down the middle: we have certain internal organs positioned on one side or the other, fingerprints and moles don't match up, our hair grows in a spiral, etc. but for the most part, why did homo sapiens, other mammals, reptiles, fish, birds and even insects evolve to be so symmetrical?"

An excellent question Mr. Tyler. Symmetry is a tricky business. Any tattoo artist will tell you that, while the human body may appear to be farely symmetrical, it really isn't. various sides of the body are larger, longer, fatter, thinner, harrier, etc.... However, the overall appearance is symmetrical (unless you're a peg-legged, eyepatch wearing pirate, in which case you have depth perception issues and should consider retiring and becoming a stenographer). The reason for our apparent symmetry is this:

As life has evolved on our little blue basketball certain things have taken precedence. Finding food, procreating, and defending oneself from predators. Aside from that, life is pretty damn pointless until you reach consciouness, and then you can ponder the meaning of life, the universe, and everything (which is 42 for those of you who don't know), whether or not it's really that bad to wear a black belt with brown shoes, and wonder why people waste their money on vomitous images created by Thomas Kinkade (the answer to that is: Their stupid and have bad taste). However, to our knowledge (which is vastly limited) humans are the only species capable of conscious pondering. This leads us back to Mr. Tyler's question regarding symmetry. What's the point? Well, there is none. I'm sure that some scientists, physicists, and theologins will disagree with me on this, but I'm pretty certain. Symmetry is just another tidbit that has evolved out of species boredom. Long ago when amino acids joined up and created life those little protozoa floated about in muck doing pretty much nothing. When they joined up and made multicelled species those species rebelled. They said "Hey! Screw you asymmetrical single celled ancestors! We've got the power of numbers on our side and we're going even-steven! What you see on one side, you'll see on the other! So there! Stick that in your protoplasm and absorb it."
After that it became the cool trend in evolution to have equal (or mostly equal) sides. Evolution is a bit staunchy in it's aesthetic and feels that balance must be maintained in a species form. It's so big on this infact that when plant life sided with the single celled organisms and went the assymetrical route 'ol Evolution got pissed. It gave vegitation the big developmental finger and denied it the right of locomotion. Hence why trees get stuck where they're planted and we can move about them on our handy arms and legs (or bellies if you happen to be a snail, slug, or snake). So next time you come across a particularly smug looking Elm you can walk right up to it, look it straight in the bark and say "Screw you Mr. I don't want to be symmetrical. I've got equal parts on the outside! Evolution likes me more! Nyah! (that's when you stick your tongue out and extend your middle finger, squinting your eyes is helpful as well)."
And that's the deal with symmetry. Oh, if you're wondering about those fish who's eyes migrate across their heads as they settle into a life of bottom sitting? Well, turns out that as they rebelled from the symmetrical preference of 'ol Evolution, they were relegated to a stationary life on the floor of whatever lake, ocean, stream, or bog they happened to be in at the time. You see Evolution is quite clear on this: either it's symmetry, or it's stationary.

On the bright side, just because we happen to be symmetrical-ish, doesn't mean we have to fully adhere to the principle. I happen to be fond of several asymmetrical things including art, architecture, plants, and the occasional edgy hair style. Thanks for asking Mr. Tyler.

If you have a question or even a comment for Ninny, go ahead and click the Comment Link below. A lovely box will appear for you to type away your inquiry. So go ahead. Ask. Ninny knows.

White Van

A white van on the 101 freeway, just north of Downtown LA, asks: "how am I driving?"


Slowly.

Aside from that...You have placed your right foot on the accelerator, and hopefully, you have both hands planted firmly on the steering wheel. Should you need to stop, you will lift your right foot from the accelerator and place it on the brake. You probably use your left hand to trigger your turn signals, and your right for your windshield wipers. For visual purposes you are using your eyes to locate obstacles within your driving plane.

All of these things are part of how you are driving Mr. White Van.

They also all are related to the fact that you were driving slowly...


With a slight tilt towards the left of your lane.

In other news...

Sadly, the Beewhivle Prophecy was correct. Their culture has been a victim of a horrific genocide. They were in fact wiped from their fertile valley by a large swath of disposable paper product.

Come on it's free!

It's the end of the world as we know it.

Madame Azure Divina of San Diego, CA, writes: "What do you make of the Mayan prediction that the world will end in 2012, with all the evidence that the world might be going to shit (war/catestrophic weather changes, etc.) happening all around us, Sir J-J-Jimbo Ninny?"

Well first allow me to thank you Miss Divina for your kind entitlement of "sir." It seems to me the niceties of society are falling by the way side and it is refreshing to hear an intelligent woman such as yourself holding true to etiquette. Now, in response to your question:

Many cultures have predicted an eminent apocolypse. For instance, a little known culture called the Beewhivles, who live in the Pooshire region of Upper Buttcrack, believe that on August 17th, 2006, a large swath of disposable paper product will wipe them from their fertile valley. Whether this will occur has yet to be determined, however, after tomorrow we will know if there is any validity to the Beewhivle Prophecy. in terms of the Mayan Prophecy. Yes, there are signs that the world as we know it is coming to an end. Record breaking heat waves, horrible hurricanes, and inclement belly button lint are all tell tale signs of a great change occurring. There is also the predictions of Nostradamus saying that the most powerful nation in the world will be run by the village idiot who will bring about World War III, which obviously has some truth to it given the current state of the US and the world.

That being said there is a necessary definition to deciding if the world is ending. That is, what is meant by the term "world." If one is referring to the planet, as in the Christian Sunday School classic jingle, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands," (come on! I want to hear singing!) then no. That world is not coming to an end. You see, this is a mighty rock we live on. And though I suppose a large asteroid, commet, interstellar Buick, or Vogon Destructor Fleet could blow it up, there would still be a vast amount of little Earth chunks drifting free in space. Probably, they would form a lovely asteroid belt in our orbital plane not completely unlike the one between our little blue basketball and Mars. One I'm sure would look lovely on the curvey hips of Venus.

If by "world," one is referring to known exisence, such as the fragile balance of life on this rock's surface, or simply political powers and territorial boundries, then yes. The world as we know it, or knew it, is over. Gone are the days of guilt free air conditioning, fresh fish for the health conscious (Mercury poisoning is only fun if you have a penchance for shakey hands and spongey gums), and good 'ol fashioned lynching parties are firmly on their way out.Yes, life as we know it is over. Then again, one could claim that F.D.R, Churchill, Stalin, and Hitler were the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse for life Pre-WWII. See this world is ending every day.Books are finished, TV shows cancelled, and the 99¢ store runs out of Listerene Pocket Strips. Yes, the world is coming to an end in 2012, 2006, and Stardate 744932.39. But we humans are adaptable. That is our great evolutionary advantage. We, as a species, have the remarkeable behavioral adaptation to adjust. So maybe the world is ending, but it's also beginning. A new book is opened, a new series starts, and the 99¢ store still has Tempo Multitask Sheets in abundance. Besides, Mayan culture has been virtually moot for centuries. Perhaps I'd quiver a bit more if Bill Gates anounced the end of Microsoft (quiver with joy perhaps), or if Madonna proclaimed the coming apocolypse (of course, anyone who has heard "Confessions on a Dance Floor" might say she already has). Just remember, should you feel the end of the world is nigh, you need only drink several pints of beer, place a paper bag over your head, lie on the floor, and wait. It will all be over soon.

God gets the goods

Lovely Dare from Los Angeles, CA writes: "If God and Heaven exists, what would you think God would say when you arrive at the pearly gate?"

That's an excellent question Mr Dare, I see we're starting off Ninny Knows with an existential trot. Well, rest assured Ninny does in fact Know an answer. In this case, the conversation would be as follows:

Ninny: Knock-knock!
God: Who's there?
Ninny: It's J-J-Jimbo. Who's that?
God: God.
Ninny: Shut up!
God: No really, I'm God.
Ninny: SHUT UP!
God: Listen, if this is one of those trick-God-into-proving-he's-God things, I'm not falling for it.
Ninny: Okay then, so you're God. How come I can't see you?
God: I'm invisible.
Ninny: Right. Right. Sure you are.
God: Well, if you can't see me, and I'm talking to you, wouldn't it follow that I'm invisible?
Ninny: Aw jeez, you're one of those logic types is that it?
God: Sure.
Ninny: Well, I suppose that would explain the Platapus and Two-Drink-Tuesdays.
God: Two-Drink-Tuesdays?
Ninny: Never mind. So, God, I have two quick questions for you.
God: Shoot.
Ninny: Okay first question: Why is there a giant pearl gate here but no pearl fence? Or an opal fence, or saphire wall or something?
God: Budget Cuts.
Ninny: Budget cuts?
God: Yeah. I had these fantastic austentatious plans for a mixed-use development here in Heaven. There was going to be a bowling alley, roller rink, boutiques, restaraunts, I even had a Gelatto place lined up. The upper levels would have been apartments and lofts for the good souls who ended up here. But this was all during the eighties. I built the gate out of pearl for tradition, the Development itself would have been largely made of travertine and glass, something real nice you know? But I took Peter's advice on my investments and sunk my capital in Beta Cassettes. Lost my proverbial ass on that one, not that I have an ass, being God and all.
Ninny: um.....okay. Hey, where is Peter anyway?
God: Is that your second question?
Ninny: Oh, no, just tangential wondering.
God: Fair enough. Peter's gone down to Spain to have Tapas with this couple he's friends with Jorge and Vincente. They just got married and he wanted to pay his respects.
Ninny: Cool. Hey how do you feel about that whole Gay Marriage thing anyway?
God: Is that your second question?
Ninny: No.
God: Then Shut Up!
Ninny: Jeez, a certain deity whom shall remain nameless woke up on the wrong side of the universe today. Okay second question: How come you're sitting up here talking to me when you could be creating peace on the Earth, or providing a cure for Cancer, or AIDS or something?
God: Well, how come you're not down there doing those things?
Ninny: Um, well, for one thing, I'm not GOD.
God: So?
Ninny: And for another thing, you left us to deal with that Bush guy. I mean come on! We spend so much time making excuses and dodging bullets for that lame-ass' fuck-ups we haven't had time to do much else, plus, a lot of that warring is his doing. Couldn't you just take him out of the equation and his fat puppet-master Cheney too?
God: Oh JESUS!
Jesus: *POP*Yeah Dad?
God: Oh, sorry, not you son, just an expression.
Jesus: It's cool. *POP*
God: Listen, if I have to apologize one more time for that guy.... No, I can't just take him out of the equation, it's beyond my control.
Ninny: But you're God.
God: Yeah, but it's not like I can just add and subtract variables from that mess down there. It's a really complicted equation. As it is there's a number of free radicals spoiling the proof. If I start pulling coefficients and variables the whole thing could collapse and I'd be back at square one.
Ninny: Huh?
God: Never mind. Anything else?
Ninny: Well, now that you mention it...
God: What now?
Ninny: How about a hot stud for me to play with? I'm feeling kind of randy and old "Hairy Palmer" isn't always enough, if you know what I mean.
God: Don't I know it, try being an all-mighty being living alone in the vast expanse of eternity. Yeah, I'll see if I can't find you someone.
Ninny: Really?
God: No.
Ninny: AW! You suck God!
God: Only if you ask nicely.*WINK*
Ninny: Wow...So, you really are a kind and benevolent God. Um...when can I come up and chat again Mr All-Mighty?
God: We'll see.

So there you are Mr Dare. The first answer to the first question on Ninny Knows. In case you're wondering if I ever went back to talk to God, well, that's between me and God....and a few others who may have made an appearance at the org....gate.
If you have a question for Ninny, don't be shy! Click the "Comments" link and ask away, who knows, you may get a titillating answer like Mr Dare did.

It Begins

Come one cum all. The time has come for Ninny to go where no Ninny has gone before. I'm cutting the ribbon on a brand new and completely unsolicited advice blog. Ask Ninny all your useless questions and I will, go beyond the uselessness of your questions with even more useless answers. I make no promises as to the relevance or appropriateness of any answers that may be given. I will, however, guarantee that all answers will come from Ninny, and that is an offer no one else can give.

So here is how you do it. Think of your question. Think carefully now, what do you want, more than anything, to ask Ninny? Now click the comment link and type away. Whatever it is you have come up with ask away.