Get over it

Poor Mr/Ms Anonymous from unknown origins asks:

"Top five ways to get over a guy?"

Well Madame/Misseur Anonymous you're in luck. This is an arena that Ninny has plenty of experience. In fact, I'd say when it comes to dealing with loss of love, I am nearing masters level, even at my young age. The unrequited love one experiences can, indeed, be exceedingly painful. As a result I've found a few ways to, as you put it, "get over it."

For your convenience I have broken this into two categories. The first is the figurative category, the second the exceptionally more practical literal category.

Figurative
In order to get over a guy emotionally, one need follow a few simple steps.

Step 1:Get the hell out. Though noble the idea may be, I've learned from painful experience, that attempting to maintain a close friendship with your ex, without allowing time to grieve the demise of the relationship, can be emotionally disasterous and unnecessarily stressful. Once the relationship is over, allow it time to go through it's virtual death throws. Minimize contact with the recently lost love. Children, pets, joint-bank accounts, and technological knowlegebases may cause difficulty in this step. However, the sooner you break these ties and assert your independence, the sooner you will feel less emotionally bound to the ex. If you so happen to have been living with this person, it can also be fun to play "belonging vaulting" in which you find the highest point in the place that you live, and throw the exes belongings off of it. This game is even more fun if there is a busy street you can try to throw passed, and if you have a close friend to join in the launching.

Step 2:Distract.Take up or renew and interest in a hobby, such as poching, drug running, or knitting. Delve into an author your fond of or interested in such as Dr. Seuss, Ayn Rand, or The Better Homes and Gardens Cook Book. Watch lots of movies (Netfilx is an excellent source for this distraction) though I would avoid cheesey romantic comedies where love triumphs in the end. This could trick you into thinking that everything will be okay. It won't. Best to just ignore the world, not gain a skewed vision of it.

Step Three:Drink. This is the final and crucial step to emotionally moving past a recent relationship. The miracle tonic known as Alcohol not only allows you to temporarily forget things, it also makes people you would never have interest in seem extremely attractive. This can lead you to thinking that there are, as the cliché addage goes, "plenty of fish in the sea," even if the reality of it is that the world is a barren waste land of rotting fish corpses and three eyed freaks.

The above steps are useful in getting over the emotional chaos that follows the loss of love or the realization that one's feelings are being sucked into a heartless vaccum never to return. The following tips will deal with the practicl and literal side of your question dear Anonymous.

Literal
In getting over a guy there are a variety of vehicles and tools you can use. The top two (in order to comply with the request for a top five ways, number one is actually number four)

Number One (4):(My personal favorite) Pneumatic Roller. Seen here: This not only allows a smooth ride, it also easily rolls over any guy leaving little left to get over should you come across him again.

Number Two (5): Grappling Hook & Climbing Harness. This is especially useful if the person you are trying to get over is very tall. Conveniently the human body comes will all sorts of easy handholds and ledges to place your feet. I would recommend wearing climbing shoes or golf cleats when choosing this option as they get a firmer grip on the flesh than standard sneakers or dress shoes, and don't get stuck as easily as stiletto heels.

So, Anonymous, there are your top five ways. I might also add that ladders, stair-cars, pogo balls, pole-vaulting, and spring boards are also effective means to getting over a guy. Best of luck to you Anonymous and I'll see your drunk ass at the bar (I'll be looking quite fetching I might add through your new boozed up eyes).

Age and memory

Mr. Danger(space)Kitty, from Los Angeles asks:

"Why are they always so young?" & "How have I forgotten all my login names and passwords?"

Wow! Two questions! Well, Mr. (Space)Kitty, in regards to your inquery regarding youth and it's ubiquitous nature, the answer simply put is: they're not. The problem you're having is with perspective. According to the US Census Bureau's Estimates, in 2005 the population over the age of 45 was roughly 37% of the overall population, that leaves 63% under the age of 45. Now, that is a great number of people. So the vast majority of the population is young. But not everyone. Perhaps one should consider their place in this . Are you under the age of 45? WELL ARE YOU?!? If the answer is yes, then you qualify as being one of those whom you refer to as "always so young." I digress, I suspect your true concern is that most people you come into contact with seem to be younger than you? If that's the true concern, I would think that you should be flattered that they seem so. Youth, though so often referenced by appearance in our society, is really something one deciphers based on the behavior of the person in question, specifically their maturity. Because you have been reading this blog you exhibit superior intellect, which leads me to surmise that you are of the class that judges a person not solely on his or her appearance but on the manner in which they communicate with you. If this is, in fact, the case, then you must also realize that the reason these "they" always seem so young, is because you're mental faculties are vasty superior to theirs. It is a heavy burden to bear, that of genius, but take heart in the fact that you can realize you bear it. If one can understand a thing, one can take action against it. I suggest, in order to deal with this ubiquitous youth problem, drinking more. You see, the more alcohol one consumes the dumber one gets. In your case, I think four cases of beer, or three large bottles of Vodka should do the trick. I would stay away from Gin though, I know from personal experience it only makes you smarter and more pretentious.

In regards to your second question, you are forgetting your logins and passwords because you are not drinking enough Gin. Should you need assistance in rectifying this problem, please contact me personally and I will guide you in the methods to consuming more of this magic elixer.

For certain, about anything.

The Divine Diana from San Diego asked (months ago I'm afraid):

"Why will we never know for certain? About anything?"

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for my extreme sloth in responding to this querrie. I've been lost in an astrological haze that aflicts me around this time of year annually. I think, though I could be mistaken, that this haze is starting to lift. Perhaps you will see more questions and answers from Ninny in the days and weeks to come, or perhaps I'll fall under the mists again and leave the screens wanting. We can only wait and see.

But in response to Miss Diana's questions: We can never know for certain of anything, because nothing is certain. The vast number of variables in our various realities can lead to incomprehensible or simple outcomes. Yes, there are times where one could make a valiant and fair estimate of how something could turn out, but it is nothing but an estimate. An educated guess. The fact is, at any moment a radioactive Peacock could charge through the room leaving nothing but intergalactic ooze and vibrantly colored feathers in its wake. Or, maybe you'll simply finish your glass of water, shut down your computer, and go for a nice stroll. The trick of living in any world is to embrace the uncertainty and revel in the surprise. Perhaps that Peacock will happen to leave the winning lottery ticket, or a divine inspiration for solving world hunger, cancer, or last week's Sudoku. You won't know until it happens. It's the anticipation of what's next that makes it interesting.