Go ahead. Ask. Ninny knows.

A note to the inquiring

2007-06-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

Hello dear readers. If you, by chance, are one of the few who graces Ask Ninny with your visual orbs on a semi-regular basis, you have, no doubt, noticed a certain lack of material lately. Yes, Mr. Ninny has been on sebatical. Deep in the bowls of a hellish journey that will be recounted on Ninny's counter-blog, Ninny Spot. Now he is, however, back. His return from this perilous journey has left Ninny a bit discombobulated and his usually glorious mental faculties are a bit unseemly. As a result there will be a (hopefully short) period where the ramblings and answerings of said Ninny will seem, for lack of a better term, rusty. Not to fret my friends, Ninny will, in time, return to his clearer self with a new wealth of knowledge and experience to impart to you. The most recent response here on Ask Ninny was a question raised by Ninny's alter ego's brother's alter ego, The Dude, in December of 2006. Half of the response was composed in December, however, the sebatical (which shall henceforth be known as "The Wombat Incident," or TWI for short, happened upon our hero rather quickly and unexpectedly, leaving the finishing of this response to sit idle for the six months, twiddling its proverbial conceptual thumbs and wondering when it will ever come to fruition, while Ninny helped the Wombats in their struggle.
It is with the utmost thanks to the Dude and other Ninny readers for their patience that he bids you a fond hello, and wishes to share his happiness at being home now in a new (dry) apartment with his dear friend's Charley and Frankus (and the beautiful-pussy-loving-Beta, Giuseppi).

Killing of an ungulate

2006-12-18T16:00:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Dude of "Clean like the Dude" fame has asked:

"Dear Ninny,

Lately I have been spending a lot of time hunting pigs with my friends out in the countryside. Recently on a trip in the hills outside Modesto, we actually caught a pig. A big pig. A live pig. I would have to put her in around 800 pounds and actually pretty sweet. Right now she is rooting around in my neighbors yard fattening up on whole grain corn and sugar cane. We have taken to calling her Pigcess Lea. The thing is, I want to kill, gut, and roast her whole, but I do not know how. Do you have any ideas as to how one goes about killing, gutting, and roasting a pig whole?"

My such a violent story for a vegetarian, but to coin a phrase made famous by none other than the Dude himself, Ninny abides.

The first thing to take into consideration when killing, gutting, and roasting a whole pig is remember that your first attempt could be a complete and total disaster resulting in entrails spread hither and fro. if this happens, fret not my dear Dude, as you see, though I'm sure that Pigcess Lea is a glorious sow indeed, should she and her 800 pound carcass turn out less than desirable there are plenty other ungulates out there. In fact just recently a good spider friend of mine named Charlotte told me of a lovely young boar that should be ripe for the eating quite soon.

Your first step towards roasting a whole pig in your yard is to be certain the pig, in this case Pigcess Lea is quite dead. I prefer to use a swarm of angry hornets for the slaughter, or perhaps a mace. I would advise against using a flaming club as this will cause pre-cooking of the carcass and will drastically effect the end product. Once you have finished killing the beast, check to be sure it's actually dead. Walk up to the body of the sow and say loudly "Hey pig! Are you dead?" If Pigcess Lea does not respond then you know she is dead. If she does respond say with a phrase something along the lines of "Why no, I don't believe I am Mr. Dude. Why do you ask?" have a brick ready and pummel the sow with it until she no longer responds.

Once the ungulate is dead you can begin the gutting process. This requires a few simple tools. A sharp knife (if you don't have one, a blunt axe, pinking shearers, or Gillette Mach 3 Razor will do). Rubber gloves (or 10 condoms and some duct-tape). A large clothes pin or mask to hide the smell. A small trowel (a large spoon or ladel will also work). One bucket (you can also use your sister's salad bowl, or your mothers Waterford Crystal punch bowl).
Once you have gathered your tools use your knife to slit the sow carcass from just below the neck to the anus. It is important to be sure that you have your gloves and mask on as this is when the process gets a little glisteny.
Empty the contents of the swine into the bucket. All internal organs must go, leave no kidney unturned, no intestine uncoiled. Set the bucket of goop aside for other projects (perhaps ungulate-intestine-garland or pig-poutporri, seeing as you are the genius Dude, I'll leave the side projects and decorum to you).

Having emptied the carcass of all important bits and vittles, drive down to your local Michael's or other craft emporium and pick up some crocheting needles and yarn of your color choice. Choose something bright and cheery to complement Pigcess Lea's natural coloring. Return to the carcass. Here is where you begin to crochet. You need to make a mask that is of appropriate size for your swine. Once you have completed the mask using your crocheting needles, poke out the pigs eyes and drain the aqueous humor. There is no need to save this fluid as your recently slaughtered pig should still be moist enough for you. Place the mask over your pig to cover the ungainly site of an eyeless pig carcass. If you are unclear on how to crochet, this website could help you out.
Once the mask is in place, use your needles and yarn to sew up your sow. I recommend a nice cross stitch.

Now you are ready to begin the roasting process. Using a shovel dig a pit at least twice the size of your sow in the yard. Be careful not to uproot any hydrangeas as they are truly lovely this time of year. It might also be advisable to consult your electrical and plumbing schematics so as not to accidentally blow up your yard. Throw several dry wooden objects into your freshly dug pit, in my experience ancient religious relics, antique grand pianos, and mint condition debut issues of comic books work the best. Coat these objects with with acetone and gasoline (if you're low on these items a gallon of wild Turkey or a siphon hose and your neighbors gas tank will work just fine), and set the pile ablaze. Allow the conflagration to burn untended for a few hours. Pop out to your local It's A Grind and have a cup of the finest chain store coffee in Southern California. Come back to your yard and check the fire. If the house and yard are still there, you're in good shape. carefully pick up your 800 pound pig and chuck it into the flames. Allow the pig to sit in the flames for an hour or so while you slip down to the local hardware and metalwork emporium to pick up a pair of fire retardant gloves. After the bottom side of your sow is a deep charcoal black, climb into the fire and flip the ungulate over. Allow the pig to poach for another hour or so then pull it out of the fire.
You can also construct an elaborate spit to rotiserate your pig. This allows for even cooking on all sides and the pig is more tender having marinated in its own juices. If you choose to follow this path, do not light the fire right away, instead, construct your spit first. To construct the spit you'll need some bailing wire, a couple of galvanized steel poles, one eight foot 2X4, a rough grit metal file, a large bottle of lube, a large healthy hamster and hamster ball, and a friend with a camera. Drive the steel poles into the ground on either side of your hole. Using your metal file, grind out two semi-circular gouges on the tops of your poles. Using your file again, attack the hard edges of the 2X4 so that it's nearly round insert one end of the wood into your mouth and begin chewing.Gnaw the pole down to a fine point. Have your friend photograph you doing this for nostalgic moments int he future. Do the same to the other end of the 2x4 then coat the entire thing in lubricant. Be sure to have your friend capture this for future reference. Carefully yet firmly drive the 2x4 up the rear end of the pig until it comes out the other side (hopefully the mouth). Heave the skewered sow up onto the metal poles so that the ends rest in the gouges you filed out. Now comes the tricky part. Gently tie the hamster ball to one end of the pig-kabob. Place the hamster in the ball and begin cheering it on. Hamsters are highly motivated creatures in their own right, but it never hurts to hear some words of encouragement. This is another excellent moment to have your friend take pictures. Once the hamster is running light your fire, the pig will slowly turn as the fire blazes. If you choose to go the spit method you are a more pretentious and work driven person than Mr. Ninny, who, in fact, enjoys a little charcoal with his backyard sow.

Garnish your pig with apples, rutabaga, and palm fronds. Invite several of your friends to come over and pass around the plastic forks. Enjoy!

Get over it

2006-11-29T16:01:00.000-08:00

Poor Mr/Ms Anonymous from unknown origins asks:

"Top five ways to get over a guy?"

Well Madame/Misseur Anonymous you're in luck. This is an arena that Ninny has plenty of experience. In fact, I'd say when it comes to dealing with loss of love, I am nearing masters level, even at my young age. The unrequited love one experiences can, indeed, be exceedingly painful. As a result I've found a few ways to, as you put it, "get over it."

For your convenience I have broken this into two categories. The first is the figurative category, the second the exceptionally more practical literal category.

Figurative
In order to get over a guy emotionally, one need follow a few simple steps.

Step 1:Get the hell out. Though noble the idea may be, I've learned from painful experience, that attempting to maintain a close friendship with your ex, without allowing time to grieve the demise of the relationship, can be emotionally disasterous and unnecessarily stressful. Once the relationship is over, allow it time to go through it's virtual death throws. Minimize contact with the recently lost love. Children, pets, joint-bank accounts, and technological knowlegebases may cause difficulty in this step. However, the sooner you break these ties and assert your independence, the sooner you will feel less emotionally bound to the ex. If you so happen to have been living with this person, it can also be fun to play "belonging vaulting" in which you find the highest point in the place that you live, and throw the exes belongings off of it. This game is even more fun if there is a busy street you can try to throw passed, and if you have a close friend to join in the launching.

Step 2:Distract.Take up or renew and interest in a hobby, such as poching, drug running, or knitting. Delve into an author your fond of or interested in such as Dr. Seuss, Ayn Rand, or The Better Homes and Gardens Cook Book. Watch lots of movies (Netfilx is an excellent source for this distraction) though I would avoid cheesey romantic comedies where love triumphs in the end. This could trick you into thinking that everything will be okay. It won't. Best to just ignore the world, not gain a skewed vision of it.

Step Three:Drink. This is the final and crucial step to emotionally moving past a recent relationship. The miracle tonic known as Alcohol not only allows you to temporarily forget things, it also makes people you would never have interest in seem extremely attractive. This can lead you to thinking that there are, as the cliché addage goes, "plenty of fish in the sea," even if the reality of it is that the world is a barren waste land of rotting fish corpses and three eyed freaks.

The above steps are useful in getting over the emotional chaos that follows the loss of love or the realization that one's feelings are being sucked into a heartless vaccum never to return. The following tips will deal with the practicl and literal side of your question dear Anonymous.

Literal
In getting over a guy there are a variety of vehicles and tools you can use. The top two (in order to comply with the request for a top five ways, number one is actually number four)

Number One (4):(My personal favorite) Pneumatic Roller. Seen here: This not only allows a smooth ride, it also easily rolls over any guy leaving little left to get over should you come across him again.

Number Two (5): Grappling Hook & Climbing Harness. This is especially useful if the person you are trying to get over is very tall. Conveniently the human body comes will all sorts of easy handholds and ledges to place your feet. I would recommend wearing climbing shoes or golf cleats when choosing this option as they get a firmer grip on the flesh than standard sneakers or dress shoes, and don't get stuck as easily as stiletto heels.

So, Anonymous, there are your top five ways. I might also add that ladders, stair-cars, pogo balls, pole-vaulting, and spring boards are also effective means to getting over a guy. Best of luck to you Anonymous and I'll see your drunk ass at the bar (I'll be looking quite fetching I might add through your new boozed up eyes).

Age and memory

2006-11-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

Mr. Danger(space)Kitty, from Los Angeles asks:

"Why are they always so young?" & "How have I forgotten all my login names and passwords?"

Wow! Two questions! Well, Mr. (Space)Kitty, in regards to your inquery regarding youth and it's ubiquitous nature, the answer simply put is: they're not. The problem you're having is with perspective. According to the US Census Bureau's Estimates, in 2005 the population over the age of 45 was roughly 37% of the overall population, that leaves 63% under the age of 45. Now, that is a great number of people. So the vast majority of the population is young. But not everyone. Perhaps one should consider their place in this . Are you under the age of 45? WELL ARE YOU?!? If the answer is yes, then you qualify as being one of those whom you refer to as "always so young." I digress, I suspect your true concern is that most people you come into contact with seem to be younger than you? If that's the true concern, I would think that you should be flattered that they seem so. Youth, though so often referenced by appearance in our society, is really something one deciphers based on the behavior of the person in question, specifically their maturity. Because you have been reading this blog you exhibit superior intellect, which leads me to surmise that you are of the class that judges a person not solely on his or her appearance but on the manner in which they communicate with you. If this is, in fact, the case, then you must also realize that the reason these "they" always seem so young, is because you're mental faculties are vasty superior to theirs. It is a heavy burden to bear, that of genius, but take heart in the fact that you can realize you bear it. If one can understand a thing, one can take action against it. I suggest, in order to deal with this ubiquitous youth problem, drinking more. You see, the more alcohol one consumes the dumber one gets. In your case, I think four cases of beer, or three large bottles of Vodka should do the trick. I would stay away from Gin though, I know from personal experience it only makes you smarter and more pretentious.

In regards to your second question, you are forgetting your logins and passwords because you are not drinking enough Gin. Should you need assistance in rectifying this problem, please contact me personally and I will guide you in the methods to consuming more of this magic elixer.

For certain, about anything.

2006-11-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

The Divine Diana from San Diego asked (months ago I'm afraid):

"Why will we never know for certain? About anything?"

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for my extreme sloth in responding to this querrie. I've been lost in an astrological haze that aflicts me around this time of year annually. I think, though I could be mistaken, that this haze is starting to lift. Perhaps you will see more questions and answers from Ninny in the days and weeks to come, or perhaps I'll fall under the mists again and leave the screens wanting. We can only wait and see.

But in response to Miss Diana's questions: We can never know for certain of anything, because nothing is certain. The vast number of variables in our various realities can lead to incomprehensible or simple outcomes. Yes, there are times where one could make a valiant and fair estimate of how something could turn out, but it is nothing but an estimate. An educated guess. The fact is, at any moment a radioactive Peacock could charge through the room leaving nothing but intergalactic ooze and vibrantly colored feathers in its wake. Or, maybe you'll simply finish your glass of water, shut down your computer, and go for a nice stroll. The trick of living in any world is to embrace the uncertainty and revel in the surprise. Perhaps that Peacock will happen to leave the winning lottery ticket, or a divine inspiration for solving world hunger, cancer, or last week's Sudoku. You won't know until it happens. It's the anticipation of what's next that makes it interesting.

Bedtime for Ninny

2006-09-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

Mr. Mike from Venice, CA asks:

"What are Ninny's like in bed? Are they beyond sex due to their over developed intellect? Or is it quite the opposite?"

Such a personal question Mr Mike! But Ninny promises answers, and answers you shall have. There are advantages and faults to having come into existence fully formed. The advantage in this case being that certain skills were built into my consciousness. Conversely, the draw back is I never had the joy of learning these skills.

However, to answer your question more directly, Mr. Mike, the bed life of Ninny isn't an either/or scenario. For better or worse, the carnal cravings of humaniy are inherrent to any human existence, and though my creation may be a bit unusual, I'm still human, and thusly subject to said desires. Yes many things can be said of Ninny, but purile is not one of them. That is, unless lawn ornaments, black sheets, and obscene amounts of Silly Putty make for purity, in which case, the driven snow am I.

In regards to overly developed intellect leading to an existence void of sexual desire, I have found the opposite to be the case. Not that a humble Ninny such as myself can claim such intellect, but for those that I know who do have these mental abilities(and there are quite a few people I know with vast, awe-inspiring, intellect) sex is still a fundamental, indeed crucial, part of their existence. Those with mental capacities beyond recognition still have the same basic carnal needs as you and I. In fact their mental agility often leads to phenomenal sexually creative endeavors I dare not speak of (but will think of at great length later).

In terms of how I am in bed (I mention this specifically, as sexual encounters do not happen exclusively within the confines of a sheeted sleeping platform) this Ninny has been known to: snore some, talk (or rather mumble), scream, kick, hit, cry, masturbate, and cross stitch (the latter being the most impressive as I, when conscious, have never performed the act). I also have watched movies, read books, written papers, drawn pictures, and performed death-defying feats involving bicycles, warthogs, and vats of hydrosulfuric acid, all in my lovely, currently black sheeted, bed. None of these things necessarily predict how I will behave in my bed tonight, or any other night. Nor does it predict how I will behave in any one else's bed. This simply is what Ninny has been "like in bed" heretofore. if anything ground breaking should occur while I'm in a bed in the future I'll be sure to share it with you once it has happened.

crazy is as crazy does

2006-09-21T01:00:00.000-07:00

Ninny has been on a bit of a hiatus as of late, and for this I'm sorry. However, there have been two (count them two!) new questions recently, and Ninny, as always, has answers. The first question I will respond to now, the second I will post a response to tomorrow (or rather today, only when the sun is up and I have rested).

R from L.B. asks:
"Dear Ninny -

Why are some people crazy?"

My my R, what a question. There are a variety of causes for what one might consider "crazy" behavior. Chemical imbalances in the brain are often blamed. Apparently the sloshing vat of juices that dwells within the human skull should contain a delicate balance of various fluids that lead to what is considered sanity. However, just what this balance is exactly no one can say (this is largely due to the nasty habit of test subjects dieing when their skull is hacked open and the various ingredients found there gutted and toyed with). I fall into the camp that believes a healthy mind requires a significant amount of alcohol and coffee to properly function, yet, there is ample evidence that THC and Valium are also excellent stabilizers when it comes to human sanity. Some might also argue in favor of a strong Xanax presence being a requisite for a stable mind. However, for these people I have two words "Paris Hilton." Watch her for five minutes and it becomes obvious what large amounts of Xanax will do to this fragile mental balance.

Another possible cause for a person seeming crazy could be an issue with perspective. Perhaps the person in question is completely sane and you have the reality comprehension issue. Remember, just because you don't hear voices telling you to remove your clothing and carve chicken skeletons into your bare chest while playing the Battle Hymn Of The Republic on a Nose Flute doesn't mean those voices aren't there, it just means that you can't hear them. What seems completely ludicrous to one person may seem completely rational to another.
So the real question here isn't "Why are some people crazy?" it's "How do I know that I'm sane?"

The answer to this question, R, is simple: You don't.
There's nothing wrong with this though. No one else knows for certain either.

Forecast: Cloudy with a chance of job

2006-09-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

Magnificent Mike from Venice, CA asks:
"Dear Ninny,

I know you're here to inform us, but can you also tell the future? Because if you can, I would like to know when I will get my next job?

Thanks,
Mike"

It is true, Mr. Mike, Ninny does inform. Unfortunately (or is it fortunate?) I cannot see the future. This is due to a combination of issues. The first and foremost being that time is a human construct to give order to a chaotic existence. The second reason is, that given the innumerable variables involved, predicting the future accurately is fundamentally impossible. Third reason, dancing the Mambo with a quadriplegic retiree named Al does not a psychic make.

However, I can give some clues that may point the way to gainful employment. The key thing to remember in pursuing employment is that one cannot actually find paying work, work must find you. Luckily there are some things you can do to act as bait. To ease this process I have broken it down into some simple steps for you to follow.

Applying: In order to have work find you it must know that you want to be found. In order to do this one must, quite literally, paper the town with applications. Go down to your local Thrift store, halfway house, or abortion clinic. Pick up their standard application, and take it home. Fill in all of the requisite information, be sure to make yourself sound better than you really are (if you were fired from your previous job for misconduct, report on the application that your employer sexually harassed and physically threatened you, so you "chose to resign" rather than risk your personal well being). Once you have all the information plugged in, take the application down to your local copy station and multiply. Several hundred copies should do it. Devour massive amounts of methamphetamines and place the signs on every lamp post, community bulletin board, car windshield, or lawn ornament.

Appearance: Once you've landed the interview one must dress appropriate. Nobody wants to hire an ugly schmuck. Before you go to the interview ask yourself this simple question: "Am I showing enough skin?" My studies show that the more revealing the outfit the more likely you are to get the job. Daisy Dukes and Wife Beaters are ideal for proccuring a position. It can also help to pad the package a bit, and if possible, convieniently drop something when entering the room, bend at the waist to pick it up, strategically placing your backside in the line of sight of your prospective employers. Also, if you have any tattoos or piercings in suggestive locations, do your best to make these visible. For example, if you have pierced nipples, cut holes in in your shirt where your nipples are and wear those Daisy Dukes low enough to show the tail of the dragon nestled in your crack.

Communication: When presenting yourself during the interview it is just as important to sound good as to look good. Go to the interview with a stocked artillery of fancy words. If vocabulary isn't your strength, make up words that sound good. This may sound a tad uncouth, but if it's good enough for the president, it's good enough for you right? Some possible words to use might be:
Parfinery: My skills in this area are parfinery.
Lamblionic: I have extensive experience working in a lamblionic environment such as yours.
Farlinquery: I once had an experience that proved to be quite the farlinquery, but I persevered and succeeded.
Your interviewers will be so shamed by your extensive lexicon that they will be too embarassed to ask what the words mean. If, for some reason, they do ask, one can easily dodge the question with the phrase: "Oh, come now, certainly a person of your superior intellect knows the definition of a simple word like farlinquery. Let's not waste our valuable time here dwelling on the lamblionic details."

Close with confidence: At this point the job is essentially in the bag. When the interviewers ask if you have any questions, it is essential that you have a list of demands prepared. Think about what you'd like your personal assitant to look like, the color of your private jet (I prefer fuscia myself), and what hours and days you will be working (calculate this carefully, anything more than 5 hours a day will draw suspicion). Do not, ask any questions involving complex issues such as 401Ks or health benefits. You do not want your interviewers to recognize you as being human.
As you stand to leave, suggestively adjust your package while gingerly wetting your lips with your tongue. When they reach to shake your hand, look at the outsretched appendage with disgust and chuckle. Do not, under any circumstances, shake the hand. It will be taken as a sign of agression and could result in your being shot by snipers.
As you leave, look over your shoulder and give your rear a little slap before closing the door behind you.
Congratulate yourself on the way to the bar for your new job.

These simple steps are all you need to know to present yourself as the ideal candidate for any position. Follow these instructions and you are guranteed to have employment find you. Should you need visual examples to aid you more in this process, feel free to contact me personally and i will connect you with...someone...who has mastered them.

Wiser than the average Ninny

2006-09-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

Amazingly enough another anonymous has posed a most delectable inquiry. This anonymous reader has asked: "How did you become so wise?"

Well, Mr/Ms anonymous, you obviously have excellent powers of observation. I must say the story of my wisdom is a wonderful tale, much like the tale of why Fox loves Chicken. The story begins a few years ago when I came into existence. You see, unlike most humans, Ninny was formed whole, fully grown, and conscious. The base knowledge of life had already been implanted in my mind when I came into being, so the years of childhood and adolescence were not a great loss. You see, Ninnies such as myself, do not like pickles. There is the exception mind you, I happen to enjoy pickled beats occasionally, however most anything else pickled (with the exception of my liver) I shy away from.

Pickled objects, it seems, are quite well liked the world over. I even know a gentleman who likes to imbibe pickled herring. Imagine the torturous death of that poor small fish, drug from it's ocean home, suffocated, gutted, and thrown in a jar with other fish of it's kind. Once in the jar the poor thing was subsumed in vinegar and a few special spices. Horrible. At any rate, being a Ninny who is not fond of pickles, I of course, found myself at a meeting for those who don't like pickles. The meeting was mind numbling slow and I slipped out back for a smoke. The meeting was being held in a small commercial building, which happened to be home also to a Vietnamese Deli. The smells that wafted from the dumpster behind the center were mesmerizing. As I lit my cigarette I wandered over to the dumpster and peered in. I was curious if there happened to be any left over Pho or other such delicacies for angst ridden Ninnies to play with. To my dismay, there was none. Oddly, there was no food of any form in this dumpster. Despite the suggestive odor,there was a meer three things dwelling inside the waste receptical. They were:
1. A very sad and dilapidated house plant.
2. A gift reciept for a massage wand (not to be used on unexplained calf-pain) from Target.
3. A rather non-descript white box with something written on it in plain san-serrif black letters.
Of course the first thing I went for was the gift receipt, you never know when you'll be in need of such a thing. Why, just the other day I was looking for a place to put my gum when I realized I had already used up that blessed gift receipt (note to Ninny: check dumpsters for future gum recepticals). Once the receipt was safely stowed in my wallet I turned to the plant. Well, being a Ninny I have a definite fondness for house plants. This poor neglected thing cried out to me. I cradled the wilting dear for a few moments, then set it down to search out the final Dumpster goody. The box.

Now dear anonymous, it is important to note that this was no ordinary non-descript white box. It was infact a non-descript white box that was living in a dumpster with a wilting house plant and a gift receipt. Therefor I new there was something unusual, even mystical about this box. It harkened back to the implanted memories of the childhood I never had. Generic groceries from Lucky with their plane yellow label and bold black san-serrif letters that read "generic". I held the box into the light. Lowered it again, put out my cigarette, and raised it into the light once more. There, in bold san-serrif letters it stated: "Instant Wisdom."

"My my! I thought, "This could come in handy."

I turned the box over in my hands looking for abrasions, small tears, any sign of opening, thinking, perhaps, I could use the gift receipt to return it for an unopened box. But the white box was perfectly intact. I read the back under where it told me, quite clearly:
Directions:
Open box, empty content onto Ninny."

So I did. Once the wisdom had soaked in, I tossed the now empty box into the dumpster, picked up the house plant, and went to head back to the meeting. That's when I experienced my first taste of true wisdom. It dawned on me then, that, even if I, as a Ninny, don't like pickles, that doesn't mean I need a support group, even if they do provide free coffee. Though I do return for meetings around the holidays. They always have the best stale grocery store cookies.

Jacket au jous

2006-08-27T02:06:00.000-07:00

The divine Divina from San Diego writes:

"Ninny, i wanna know:

is leather edible?
say... if i was stranded somewhere for weeks, with no food around... could i possibly eat my jacket?
and not die?
i've heard of people eating bicycles..."

Funny you should as Ms. Divina. I just had a bit of my jacket sleeve for lunch three days ago. It was a bit chewy, but went well with a side of Ranch.
Yes, you can infact eat your leather jacket, though it will take quite a bit of chewing and my guess is that the leather dyes are less than benecifical for one's digestive system (at least I think that's what my problem was, or maybe it was the castor oil chaser?). If your coat was deep fried rather than dried and dyed, it would essentially be beef rind, not entirely unlike that wonderous pork rind delicacy we all know and love.

Given the choice I would highly recommend chosing to gnaw on the jacket over a bicycle unless you have an iron deficiency or are vegetarian for moral reasons (in which case shame on you for owning a leater jacket in the firts place missy).

The real question you should ask yourself here Ms. Divina, is how you managed to get stranded in a place completely void of all other living things. I mean, come on, you can always eat cockroach crispies for breakfast and still be stylish in your jacket while you eat.

If you should happen to find yourself caught in a situation where your jacket is not an option and your bicycle is looking mighty appetizing, ask yourself this question: "How much do I love these shoes? I mean, sure, they were a great deal and match my belt, but couldn't I pull off the au naturel thing too?"
Yes, the pedals on your bike may feel a bit unfomfortable under your exposed toes, but when you arrive at that Mc Donalds you can always scrap the tires and fashion them into sandals. I guarantee that the Big Mac will taste better than tenth gear. Ok, maybe not better, but definitely easier to chew.

Meaning oh my

2006-08-27T01:17:00.000-07:00

Carrying on with a theme of sorts here is a question from Mr. J:

"Ninny, I need to know what to do with my life. I've managed to corner myself into a routine that makes me enough money to be satisfied, but I'm not happy. I've tried many other methods of discovering myself, what do you suggest for me?
Signed,

J. Bradford, Vista St."

Well Mr. J, finding meaning in this existence is a bear of a task. Each person goes about it in their own way. Many people choose religion, money, or beanie-babies. Filling the void with whatever one can find is humanity's way. The trick is to find the thing that fits for you. The old square peg in a round hole is an apt analogy in this instance. What works for one may not work for you (much like dog biscuits make a great treat for Fido, but serve them with gravy for breakfast and you may be a bit dissapointed, or thrilled, depending).

I would love to tell you that perhaps a change in occupation is what's needed. However, we are not, ar at least shouldn't be, defined by our proffessions. Meaning in existence must be something independednt of external requirements.

All I can tell you Mr. J, is what works for me. I find meaing for my life in life itself. Simply being in a world so complex and convoluted is an amazing experience in its own right.

My suggestion to you is to go out and ride the bus, train, tram, or ferry. Go out and see life happening while it's happening. So often we get locked up in our little motorized boxes going from point A to point B we forget all the reality, other realities, going on around us. Go to a park and sit for a bit. Watch the people come and go. People exercising, barbequing, swinging on the playground. Sometimes all it takes to appreciate life is to stop and see someone else living it.

Or perhaps you could collect reject sporks. You know, the ones where one of the prongs is shorter than the rest so it doesn't quite grasp the salad right. Or the one with an extra prong jutting out at an odd angle as though begging to be used as a back-scratcher. That could be totally cool and fulfilling as well. You never know.

Bread winning

2006-08-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

A reader who wishes to remain anonymous, and thusly did not reveal there location, asks: "What should I do to earn a living?"

Ah, the age old question. Well there are several options for a person in today's modern society. There's always the oldest profession in the world (that would be politician), or the good 'ol standard garbage collector. Or perhaps, Anonymous, you wish to expand your horizons? You could consider a career as a lawn ornament, or, if you're feeling really adventurous, a book shelf.
However, as I re-read your question, I get the feeling you are a man/woman of unique talents, and have asked me this question as it is not one solved in a simple career choice of lawn jockey or flat-object-that-holds-things-up. No, Anonymous, I believe you need to consider a position that will not only provide you peace of mind, but will also provide food, shelter, and a roof over your head (or heads if you happen to be some kind of circus freak, in which case might I recommend applying for a position with Ringling Bros?).

Now, to earn a living there are a number of options you could consider. The first and most obvious is prostitute. No job is bound to get a little living going on inside you faster than the age old sex salesman/woman. If for some sick reason this idea doesn't hurtle your girdle, perhaps a career as a medical transcriptionist. The nice woman on daytime and late night television says it's quite a rewarding career, and apparently you develop a glisteningly white smile and live in a cubicle with a fake plant.

For other manners of earning a living, I might try charity work. I think Mother Teresa definitely earned her right to live, even if she is dead, and I hate the wealthy a little less each day that I hear about the Gates foundation and other groups that give back some of what they've taken.

Speaking of taking, perhaps you would enjoy a life of crime. I don't know where you live Anonymous, but there are millions upon millions of people living here in Southern California. Many of which drive very expensive cars and pretend to be able to afford to own property. My suspicion is that most of these people are in drug rackateering and human trafficking, each can be very lucrative career choices. There's also the friendly crack dealer and half naked masturbator asking for change. Each of these options have proven to provide one with living, that is according to the vast amount of evidence on the streets in this lovely region.

If none of these options seem to your liking, I have one last suggestion. Fart on tape and sell the sound to sound effects dealers. There is always a high demand for authentic fart noises, and everyone has the necessary biology to produce the sought after audio. Perhaps you could record an entire album, cut and master farts into classical favorites and oldies doo wop. You could even jar the scents produced in the process and peddle them to middle school kids who can't live up to their reputation.

You see anonymous. Only you can decide how you should earn your living. There are a plethora of options out there for you, you just need to try a few and see which fits you best. Good luck to you, I hope to hear your next flatulent album on the radio soon.

Trashed and eating it

2006-08-23T00:37:00.000-07:00

Kind Mr. Frankus Spiziri of Long Beach, CA asks: "Ninny. How is it that a certain homo gets totally trashed at a bar, totally eats it, and never tells anyone?"

Well, Mr. Spiziri, that's a tough question to answer. You see, trashed, in the context you are using it, implies inebriation. The homo you refer to, was most certainly quite intoxicated. This ofcourse impairs motor skills leading to one toppling over like a top heavy crack whore dolly. Also, you mention that said homo was in a bar. Often times this sort of establishment is quite crowded. Navigating a drinking establishment can require a certain amount of finesse, if the homo in question was indeed inebriated, then it's possible that the requisite finesse to navigate said bar was not present for the poor fool. Finally, and here's the clincher, how did this homo neglect to inform others of their act of clumsy tom-foolery? Well, you see in certain areas of globe there is a rare and quite odd phenomena known as "STHUYFCR". This is a convoluted acronym that stands for "Shut The Hell Up You Fucking Cunt Rag." This phenomena most often occurs when a person or persons have made a mistake and wish others not to know of it. Though this may seem a plausible cause of your homos secrecy, I think it's much too simple a solution. No, in this case, I believe you have an instance of an even more rare and baffling phenomena. Experts refer to this phenomena as "UMEAD," or "Unidentified Memory Extraction And Disposal." This is when the party in question has actually had a memory removed from their conscience, doused in acetone, and ignited by a flaming Boll Weevil. The consequence of this act is that the homo in question does not actually remember that the accident occurred and thusly, cannot relate the story to others. An odd side effect of this phenomena is that when questioned by a witness of said lost memory, the victim often can retrieve the ashes of the burnt recolection and then share it with other persons.

It is my suspicion Mr. Frankus that the Homo to which you refer is an actual case of UMEAD and perhaps you should check your chonies for a flaming Boll Weevil.

Symmetry

2006-08-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Tyler from Los Angeles, CA writes:
" dear ninny,

i understand that human beings (and most other earth animals?) are not perfectly split down the middle: we have certain internal organs positioned on one side or the other, fingerprints and moles don't match up, our hair grows in a spiral, etc. but for the most part, why did homo sapiens, other mammals, reptiles, fish, birds and even insects evolve to be so symmetrical?"

An excellent question Mr. Tyler. Symmetry is a tricky business. Any tattoo artist will tell you that, while the human body may appear to be farely symmetrical, it really isn't. various sides of the body are larger, longer, fatter, thinner, harrier, etc.... However, the overall appearance is symmetrical (unless you're a peg-legged, eyepatch wearing pirate, in which case you have depth perception issues and should consider retiring and becoming a stenographer). The reason for our apparent symmetry is this:

As life has evolved on our little blue basketball certain things have taken precedence. Finding food, procreating, and defending oneself from predators. Aside from that, life is pretty damn pointless until you reach consciouness, and then you can ponder the meaning of life, the universe, and everything (which is 42 for those of you who don't know), whether or not it's really that bad to wear a black belt with brown shoes, and wonder why people waste their money on vomitous images created by Thomas Kinkade (the answer to that is: Their stupid and have bad taste). However, to our knowledge (which is vastly limited) humans are the only species capable of conscious pondering. This leads us back to Mr. Tyler's question regarding symmetry. What's the point? Well, there is none. I'm sure that some scientists, physicists, and theologins will disagree with me on this, but I'm pretty certain. Symmetry is just another tidbit that has evolved out of species boredom. Long ago when amino acids joined up and created life those little protozoa floated about in muck doing pretty much nothing. When they joined up and made multicelled species those species rebelled. They said "Hey! Screw you asymmetrical single celled ancestors! We've got the power of numbers on our side and we're going even-steven! What you see on one side, you'll see on the other! So there! Stick that in your protoplasm and absorb it."
After that it became the cool trend in evolution to have equal (or mostly equal) sides. Evolution is a bit staunchy in it's aesthetic and feels that balance must be maintained in a species form. It's so big on this infact that when plant life sided with the single celled organisms and went the assymetrical route 'ol Evolution got pissed. It gave vegitation the big developmental finger and denied it the right of locomotion. Hence why trees get stuck where they're planted and we can move about them on our handy arms and legs (or bellies if you happen to be a snail, slug, or snake). So next time you come across a particularly smug looking Elm you can walk right up to it, look it straight in the bark and say "Screw you Mr. I don't want to be symmetrical. I've got equal parts on the outside! Evolution likes me more! Nyah! (that's when you stick your tongue out and extend your middle finger, squinting your eyes is helpful as well)."
And that's the deal with symmetry. Oh, if you're wondering about those fish who's eyes migrate across their heads as they settle into a life of bottom sitting? Well, turns out that as they rebelled from the symmetrical preference of 'ol Evolution, they were relegated to a stationary life on the floor of whatever lake, ocean, stream, or bog they happened to be in at the time. You see Evolution is quite clear on this: either it's symmetry, or it's stationary.

On the bright side, just because we happen to be symmetrical-ish, doesn't mean we have to fully adhere to the principle. I happen to be fond of several asymmetrical things including art, architecture, plants, and the occasional edgy hair style. Thanks for asking Mr. Tyler.

If you have a question or even a comment for Ninny, go ahead and click the Comment Link below. A lovely box will appear for you to type away your inquiry. So go ahead. Ask. Ninny knows.

White Van

2006-08-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

A white van on the 101 freeway, just north of Downtown LA, asks: "how am I driving?"

Slowly.

Aside from that...You have placed your right foot on the accelerator, and hopefully, you have both hands planted firmly on the steering wheel. Should you need to stop, you will lift your right foot from the accelerator and place it on the brake. You probably use your left hand to trigger your turn signals, and your right for your windshield wipers. For visual purposes you are using your eyes to locate obstacles within your driving plane.

All of these things are part of how you are driving Mr. White Van.

They also all are related to the fact that you were driving slowly...

With a slight tilt towards the left of your lane.

In other news...

2006-08-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

Sadly, the Beewhivle Prophecy was correct. Their culture has been a victim of a horrific genocide. They were in fact wiped from their fertile valley by a large swath of disposable paper product.

Come on it's free!

2006-08-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

It's the end of the world as we know it.

2006-08-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

Madame Azure Divina of San Diego, CA, writes: "What do you make of the Mayan prediction that the world will end in 2012, with all the evidence that the world might be going to shit (war/catestrophic weather changes, etc.) happening all around us, Sir J-J-Jimbo Ninny?"

Well first allow me to thank you Miss Divina for your kind entitlement of "sir." It seems to me the niceties of society are falling by the way side and it is refreshing to hear an intelligent woman such as yourself holding true to etiquette. Now, in response to your question:

Many cultures have predicted an eminent apocolypse. For instance, a little known culture called the Beewhivles, who live in the Pooshire region of Upper Buttcrack, believe that on August 17th, 2006, a large swath of disposable paper product will wipe them from their fertile valley. Whether this will occur has yet to be determined, however, after tomorrow we will know if there is any validity to the Beewhivle Prophecy. in terms of the Mayan Prophecy. Yes, there are signs that the world as we know it is coming to an end. Record breaking heat waves, horrible hurricanes, and inclement belly button lint are all tell tale signs of a great change occurring. There is also the predictions of Nostradamus saying that the most powerful nation in the world will be run by the village idiot who will bring about World War III, which obviously has some truth to it given the current state of the US and the world.

That being said there is a necessary definition to deciding if the world is ending. That is, what is meant by the term "world." If one is referring to the planet, as in the Christian Sunday School classic jingle, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands," (come on! I want to hear singing!) then no. That world is not coming to an end. You see, this is a mighty rock we live on. And though I suppose a large asteroid, commet, interstellar Buick, or Vogon Destructor Fleet could blow it up, there would still be a vast amount of little Earth chunks drifting free in space. Probably, they would form a lovely asteroid belt in our orbital plane not completely unlike the one between our little blue basketball and Mars. One I'm sure would look lovely on the curvey hips of Venus.

If by "world," one is referring to known exisence, such as the fragile balance of life on this rock's surface, or simply political powers and territorial boundries, then yes. The world as we know it, or knew it, is over. Gone are the days of guilt free air conditioning, fresh fish for the health conscious (Mercury poisoning is only fun if you have a penchance for shakey hands and spongey gums), and good 'ol fashioned lynching parties are firmly on their way out.Yes, life as we know it is over. Then again, one could claim that F.D.R, Churchill, Stalin, and Hitler were the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse for life Pre-WWII. See this world is ending every day.Books are finished, TV shows cancelled, and the 99¢ store runs out of Listerene Pocket Strips. Yes, the world is coming to an end in 2012, 2006, and Stardate 744932.39. But we humans are adaptable. That is our great evolutionary advantage. We, as a species, have the remarkeable behavioral adaptation to adjust. So maybe the world is ending, but it's also beginning. A new book is opened, a new series starts, and the 99¢ store still has Tempo Multitask Sheets in abundance. Besides, Mayan culture has been virtually moot for centuries. Perhaps I'd quiver a bit more if Bill Gates anounced the end of Microsoft (quiver with joy perhaps), or if Madonna proclaimed the coming apocolypse (of course, anyone who has heard "Confessions on a Dance Floor" might say she already has). Just remember, should you feel the end of the world is nigh, you need only drink several pints of beer, place a paper bag over your head, lie on the floor, and wait. It will all be over soon.

God gets the goods

2006-08-15T17:29:00.000-07:00

Lovely Dare from Los Angeles, CA writes: "If God and Heaven exists, what would you think God would say when you arrive at the pearly gate?"

That's an excellent question Mr Dare, I see we're starting off Ninny Knows with an existential trot. Well, rest assured Ninny does in fact Know an answer. In this case, the conversation would be as follows:

Ninny: Knock-knock!
God: Who's there?
Ninny: It's J-J-Jimbo. Who's that?
God: God.
Ninny: Shut up!
God: No really, I'm God.
Ninny: SHUT UP!
God: Listen, if this is one of those trick-God-into-proving-he's-God things, I'm not falling for it.
Ninny: Okay then, so you're God. How come I can't see you?
God: I'm invisible.
Ninny: Right. Right. Sure you are.
God: Well, if you can't see me, and I'm talking to you, wouldn't it follow that I'm invisible?
Ninny: Aw jeez, you're one of those logic types is that it?
God: Sure.
Ninny: Well, I suppose that would explain the Platapus and Two-Drink-Tuesdays.
God: Two-Drink-Tuesdays?
Ninny: Never mind. So, God, I have two quick questions for you.
God: Shoot.
Ninny: Okay first question: Why is there a giant pearl gate here but no pearl fence? Or an opal fence, or saphire wall or something?
God: Budget Cuts.
Ninny: Budget cuts?
God: Yeah. I had these fantastic austentatious plans for a mixed-use development here in Heaven. There was going to be a bowling alley, roller rink, boutiques, restaraunts, I even had a Gelatto place lined up. The upper levels would have been apartments and lofts for the good souls who ended up here. But this was all during the eighties. I built the gate out of pearl for tradition, the Development itself would have been largely made of travertine and glass, something real nice you know? But I took Peter's advice on my investments and sunk my capital in Beta Cassettes. Lost my proverbial ass on that one, not that I have an ass, being God and all.
Ninny: um.....okay. Hey, where is Peter anyway?
God: Is that your second question?
Ninny: Oh, no, just tangential wondering.
God: Fair enough. Peter's gone down to Spain to have Tapas with this couple he's friends with Jorge and Vincente. They just got married and he wanted to pay his respects.
Ninny: Cool. Hey how do you feel about that whole Gay Marriage thing anyway?
God: Is that your second question?
Ninny: No.
God: Then Shut Up!
Ninny: Jeez, a certain deity whom shall remain nameless woke up on the wrong side of the universe today. Okay second question: How come you're sitting up here talking to me when you could be creating peace on the Earth, or providing a cure for Cancer, or AIDS or something?
God: Well, how come you're not down there doing those things?
Ninny: Um, well, for one thing, I'm not GOD.
God: So?
Ninny: And for another thing, you left us to deal with that Bush guy. I mean come on! We spend so much time making excuses and dodging bullets for that lame-ass' fuck-ups we haven't had time to do much else, plus, a lot of that warring is his doing. Couldn't you just take him out of the equation and his fat puppet-master Cheney too?
God: Oh JESUS!
Jesus: *POP*Yeah Dad?
God: Oh, sorry, not you son, just an expression.
Jesus: It's cool. *POP*
God: Listen, if I have to apologize one more time for that guy.... No, I can't just take him out of the equation, it's beyond my control.
Ninny: But you're God.
God: Yeah, but it's not like I can just add and subtract variables from that mess down there. It's a really complicted equation. As it is there's a number of free radicals spoiling the proof. If I start pulling coefficients and variables the whole thing could collapse and I'd be back at square one.
Ninny: Huh?
God: Never mind. Anything else?
Ninny: Well, now that you mention it...
God: What now?
Ninny: How about a hot stud for me to play with? I'm feeling kind of randy and old "Hairy Palmer" isn't always enough, if you know what I mean.
God: Don't I know it, try being an all-mighty being living alone in the vast expanse of eternity. Yeah, I'll see if I can't find you someone.
Ninny: Really?
God: No.
Ninny: AW! You suck God!
God: Only if you ask nicely.*WINK*
Ninny: Wow...So, you really are a kind and benevolent God. Um...when can I come up and chat again Mr All-Mighty?
God: We'll see.

So there you are Mr Dare. The first answer to the first question on Ninny Knows. In case you're wondering if I ever went back to talk to God, well, that's between me and God....and a few others who may have made an appearance at the org....gate.
If you have a question for Ninny, don't be shy! Click the "Comments" link and ask away, who knows, you may get a titillating answer like Mr Dare did.

It Begins

2006-08-14T23:34:00.000-07:00

Come one cum all. The time has come for Ninny to go where no Ninny has gone before. I'm cutting the ribbon on a brand new and completely unsolicited advice blog. Ask Ninny all your useless questions and I will, go beyond the uselessness of your questions with even more useless answers. I make no promises as to the relevance or appropriateness of any answers that may be given. I will, however, guarantee that all answers will come from Ninny, and that is an offer no one else can give.

So here is how you do it. Think of your question. Think carefully now, what do you want, more than anything, to ask Ninny? Now click the comment link and type away. Whatever it is you have come up with ask away.