Killing of an ungulate
My dear friend Dude of "Clean like the Dude" fame has asked:
"Dear Ninny,
Lately I have been spending a lot of time hunting pigs with my friends out in the countryside. Recently on a trip in the hills outside Modesto, we actually caught a pig. A big pig. A live pig. I would have to put her in around 800 pounds and actually pretty sweet. Right now she is rooting around in my neighbors yard fattening up on whole grain corn and sugar cane. We have taken to calling her Pigcess Lea. The thing is, I want to kill, gut, and roast her whole, but I do not know how. Do you have any ideas as to how one goes about killing, gutting, and roasting a pig whole?"
My such a violent story for a vegetarian, but to coin a phrase made famous by none other than the Dude himself, Ninny abides.
The first thing to take into consideration when killing, gutting, and roasting a whole pig is remember that your first attempt could be a complete and total disaster resulting in entrails spread hither and fro. if this happens, fret not my dear Dude, as you see, though I'm sure that Pigcess Lea is a glorious sow indeed, should she and her 800 pound carcass turn out less than desirable there are plenty other ungulates out there. In fact just recently a good spider friend of mine named Charlotte told me of a lovely young boar that should be ripe for the eating quite soon.
Your first step towards roasting a whole pig in your yard is to be certain the pig, in this case Pigcess Lea is quite dead. I prefer to use a swarm of angry hornets for the slaughter, or perhaps a mace. I would advise against using a flaming club as this will cause pre-cooking of the carcass and will drastically effect the end product. Once you have finished killing the beast, check to be sure it's actually dead. Walk up to the body of the sow and say loudly "Hey pig! Are you dead?" If Pigcess Lea does not respond then you know she is dead. If she does respond say with a phrase something along the lines of "Why no, I don't believe I am Mr. Dude. Why do you ask?" have a brick ready and pummel the sow with it until she no longer responds.
Once the ungulate is dead you can begin the gutting process. This requires a few simple tools. A sharp knife (if you don't have one, a blunt axe, pinking shearers, or Gillette Mach 3 Razor will do). Rubber gloves (or 10 condoms and some duct-tape). A large clothes pin or mask to hide the smell. A small trowel (a large spoon or ladel will also work). One bucket (you can also use your sister's salad bowl, or your mothers Waterford Crystal punch bowl).
Once you have gathered your tools use your knife to slit the sow carcass from just below the neck to the anus. It is important to be sure that you have your gloves and mask on as this is when the process gets a little glisteny.
Empty the contents of the swine into the bucket. All internal organs must go, leave no kidney unturned, no intestine uncoiled. Set the bucket of goop aside for other projects (perhaps ungulate-intestine-garland or pig-poutporri, seeing as you are the genius Dude, I'll leave the side projects and decorum to you).
Having emptied the carcass of all important bits and vittles, drive down to your local Michael's or other craft emporium and pick up some crocheting needles and yarn of your color choice. Choose something bright and cheery to complement Pigcess Lea's natural coloring. Return to the carcass. Here is where you begin to crochet. You need to make a mask that is of appropriate size for your swine. Once you have completed the mask using your crocheting needles, poke out the pigs eyes and drain the aqueous humor. There is no need to save this fluid as your recently slaughtered pig should still be moist enough for you. Place the mask over your pig to cover the ungainly site of an eyeless pig carcass. If you are unclear on how to crochet, this website could help you out.
Once the mask is in place, use your needles and yarn to sew up your sow. I recommend a nice cross stitch.
Now you are ready to begin the roasting process. Using a shovel dig a pit at least twice the size of your sow in the yard. Be careful not to uproot any hydrangeas as they are truly lovely this time of year. It might also be advisable to consult your electrical and plumbing schematics so as not to accidentally blow up your yard. Throw several dry wooden objects into your freshly dug pit, in my experience ancient religious relics, antique grand pianos, and mint condition debut issues of comic books work the best. Coat these objects with with acetone and gasoline (if you're low on these items a gallon of wild Turkey or a siphon hose and your neighbors gas tank will work just fine), and set the pile ablaze. Allow the conflagration to burn untended for a few hours. Pop out to your local It's A Grind and have a cup of the finest chain store coffee in Southern California. Come back to your yard and check the fire. If the house and yard are still there, you're in good shape. carefully pick up your 800 pound pig and chuck it into the flames. Allow the pig to sit in the flames for an hour or so while you slip down to the local hardware and metalwork emporium to pick up a pair of fire retardant gloves. After the bottom side of your sow is a deep charcoal black, climb into the fire and flip the ungulate over. Allow the pig to poach for another hour or so then pull it out of the fire.
You can also construct an elaborate spit to rotiserate your pig. This allows for even cooking on all sides and the pig is more tender having marinated in its own juices. If you choose to follow this path, do not light the fire right away, instead, construct your spit first. To construct the spit you'll need some bailing wire, a couple of galvanized steel poles, one eight foot 2X4, a rough grit metal file, a large bottle of lube, a large healthy hamster and hamster ball, and a friend with a camera. Drive the steel poles into the ground on either side of your hole. Using your metal file, grind out two semi-circular gouges on the tops of your poles. Using your file again, attack the hard edges of the 2X4 so that it's nearly round insert one end of the wood into your mouth and begin chewing.Gnaw the pole down to a fine point. Have your friend photograph you doing this for nostalgic moments int he future. Do the same to the other end of the 2x4 then coat the entire thing in lubricant. Be sure to have your friend capture this for future reference. Carefully yet firmly drive the 2x4 up the rear end of the pig until it comes out the other side (hopefully the mouth). Heave the skewered sow up onto the metal poles so that the ends rest in the gouges you filed out. Now comes the tricky part. Gently tie the hamster ball to one end of the pig-kabob. Place the hamster in the ball and begin cheering it on. Hamsters are highly motivated creatures in their own right, but it never hurts to hear some words of encouragement. This is another excellent moment to have your friend take pictures. Once the hamster is running light your fire, the pig will slowly turn as the fire blazes. If you choose to go the spit method you are a more pretentious and work driven person than Mr. Ninny, who, in fact, enjoys a little charcoal with his backyard sow.
Garnish your pig with apples, rutabaga, and palm fronds. Invite several of your friends to come over and pass around the plastic forks.
Enjoy!
"Dear Ninny,
Lately I have been spending a lot of time hunting pigs with my friends out in the countryside. Recently on a trip in the hills outside Modesto, we actually caught a pig. A big pig. A live pig. I would have to put her in around 800 pounds and actually pretty sweet. Right now she is rooting around in my neighbors yard fattening up on whole grain corn and sugar cane. We have taken to calling her Pigcess Lea. The thing is, I want to kill, gut, and roast her whole, but I do not know how. Do you have any ideas as to how one goes about killing, gutting, and roasting a pig whole?"
My such a violent story for a vegetarian, but to coin a phrase made famous by none other than the Dude himself, Ninny abides.
The first thing to take into consideration when killing, gutting, and roasting a whole pig is remember that your first attempt could be a complete and total disaster resulting in entrails spread hither and fro. if this happens, fret not my dear Dude, as you see, though I'm sure that Pigcess Lea is a glorious sow indeed, should she and her 800 pound carcass turn out less than desirable there are plenty other ungulates out there. In fact just recently a good spider friend of mine named Charlotte told me of a lovely young boar that should be ripe for the eating quite soon.
Your first step towards roasting a whole pig in your yard is to be certain the pig, in this case Pigcess Lea is quite dead. I prefer to use a swarm of angry hornets for the slaughter, or perhaps a mace. I would advise against using a flaming club as this will cause pre-cooking of the carcass and will drastically effect the end product. Once you have finished killing the beast, check to be sure it's actually dead. Walk up to the body of the sow and say loudly "Hey pig! Are you dead?" If Pigcess Lea does not respond then you know she is dead. If she does respond say with a phrase something along the lines of "Why no, I don't believe I am Mr. Dude. Why do you ask?" have a brick ready and pummel the sow with it until she no longer responds.
Once the ungulate is dead you can begin the gutting process. This requires a few simple tools. A sharp knife (if you don't have one, a blunt axe, pinking shearers, or Gillette Mach 3 Razor will do). Rubber gloves (or 10 condoms and some duct-tape). A large clothes pin or mask to hide the smell. A small trowel (a large spoon or ladel will also work). One bucket (you can also use your sister's salad bowl, or your mothers Waterford Crystal punch bowl).
Once you have gathered your tools use your knife to slit the sow carcass from just below the neck to the anus. It is important to be sure that you have your gloves and mask on as this is when the process gets a little glisteny.
Empty the contents of the swine into the bucket. All internal organs must go, leave no kidney unturned, no intestine uncoiled. Set the bucket of goop aside for other projects (perhaps ungulate-intestine-garland or pig-poutporri, seeing as you are the genius Dude, I'll leave the side projects and decorum to you).
Having emptied the carcass of all important bits and vittles, drive down to your local Michael's or other craft emporium and pick up some crocheting needles and yarn of your color choice. Choose something bright and cheery to complement Pigcess Lea's natural coloring. Return to the carcass. Here is where you begin to crochet. You need to make a mask that is of appropriate size for your swine. Once you have completed the mask using your crocheting needles, poke out the pigs eyes and drain the aqueous humor. There is no need to save this fluid as your recently slaughtered pig should still be moist enough for you. Place the mask over your pig to cover the ungainly site of an eyeless pig carcass. If you are unclear on how to crochet, this website could help you out.
Once the mask is in place, use your needles and yarn to sew up your sow. I recommend a nice cross stitch.
Now you are ready to begin the roasting process. Using a shovel dig a pit at least twice the size of your sow in the yard. Be careful not to uproot any hydrangeas as they are truly lovely this time of year. It might also be advisable to consult your electrical and plumbing schematics so as not to accidentally blow up your yard. Throw several dry wooden objects into your freshly dug pit, in my experience ancient religious relics, antique grand pianos, and mint condition debut issues of comic books work the best. Coat these objects with with acetone and gasoline (if you're low on these items a gallon of wild Turkey or a siphon hose and your neighbors gas tank will work just fine), and set the pile ablaze. Allow the conflagration to burn untended for a few hours. Pop out to your local It's A Grind and have a cup of the finest chain store coffee in Southern California. Come back to your yard and check the fire. If the house and yard are still there, you're in good shape. carefully pick up your 800 pound pig and chuck it into the flames. Allow the pig to sit in the flames for an hour or so while you slip down to the local hardware and metalwork emporium to pick up a pair of fire retardant gloves. After the bottom side of your sow is a deep charcoal black, climb into the fire and flip the ungulate over. Allow the pig to poach for another hour or so then pull it out of the fire.
You can also construct an elaborate spit to rotiserate your pig. This allows for even cooking on all sides and the pig is more tender having marinated in its own juices. If you choose to follow this path, do not light the fire right away, instead, construct your spit first. To construct the spit you'll need some bailing wire, a couple of galvanized steel poles, one eight foot 2X4, a rough grit metal file, a large bottle of lube, a large healthy hamster and hamster ball, and a friend with a camera. Drive the steel poles into the ground on either side of your hole. Using your metal file, grind out two semi-circular gouges on the tops of your poles. Using your file again, attack the hard edges of the 2X4 so that it's nearly round insert one end of the wood into your mouth and begin chewing.Gnaw the pole down to a fine point. Have your friend photograph you doing this for nostalgic moments int he future. Do the same to the other end of the 2x4 then coat the entire thing in lubricant. Be sure to have your friend capture this for future reference. Carefully yet firmly drive the 2x4 up the rear end of the pig until it comes out the other side (hopefully the mouth). Heave the skewered sow up onto the metal poles so that the ends rest in the gouges you filed out. Now comes the tricky part. Gently tie the hamster ball to one end of the pig-kabob. Place the hamster in the ball and begin cheering it on. Hamsters are highly motivated creatures in their own right, but it never hurts to hear some words of encouragement. This is another excellent moment to have your friend take pictures. Once the hamster is running light your fire, the pig will slowly turn as the fire blazes. If you choose to go the spit method you are a more pretentious and work driven person than Mr. Ninny, who, in fact, enjoys a little charcoal with his backyard sow.
Garnish your pig with apples, rutabaga, and palm fronds. Invite several of your friends to come over and pass around the plastic forks.
Enjoy!
posted by J-J-Jimbo Ninny at 4:00 PM
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